I highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
Some noteworthy tidbits:
and what aspie spouses dream their aspies would comprehend-- "Another part of the 'you are not me' concept is the ability to see another person for who she is apart from what we need or want from her and to love and appreciate that person for who she is . . . . To cherish someone's existence apart from you and apart from what you get from that person . . . To see the other person as distinct and separate from you --a person in her own right, with value and wonderful things about her that have nothing to do with gratifying you in any way other than pure appreciation. This is the joy of just knowing a person."
From Proverbs-- "Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you. Rebuke a wise man and he will love you."
"People in denial are deaf to words of truth. Just using words will not get the message across. They only respond to pain and loss. Separation or distancing may be necessary."
"Someone who is boundary resistant will deny, rationalize, and blame. The nature of resistance: an opposition to seeing or owning an issue."
"A boundary without a consequence is 'nagging.'"
"Be prepared to meet with resistance [when you first begin using boundaries in your marriage]."
"God uses your need within your marriage to reorient you to a growing love relationship with Him as the source of your life."
Reading the original book "Boundaries" before reading "Boundaries in Marriage" would be most helpful. Introducing boundaries--and enforcing them with practical consequences--has been life-changing. Thank you Cloud and Townsend!
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So- I found your blog a few months ago. I also am a HS mom w/ Aspie H. Conservative Christian . . . used to be in those circles. Now just Christian, not so much the predefined,labeled and boxed conservative. So many questions for you. I appreciate your efforts to tie all back to Scripture. I try to do that, but my H behavior is so hurtful and confusing I feel that I am going insane or going to die. Have to detach, get independence or I will die. Used to be strong and capable. Not any more. Can you relate?
ReplyDeleteAspmom, can I ask you a question? I just discovered your blog and love it. I have a recently diagnosed Aspie partner and life is in chaos. I am trying very hard to negotiate the minefield and am about to start a blog of my own to hopefully help myself work through all the issues. My question is, did your Aspie husband know about this blog when you started? How do I express my true feelings about our life without hurting his feelings or further alienating his family? There are a lot of issues that could cause conflict if made public but they are so devastating to me that they need to be expressed.
ReplyDeleteYES, I can relate! We have to find a way to go back to being the strong, independent women we were before. And in many ways live as though we were still single. Take care of self, build a support network around ourselves, rest, relax, have fun! And then come home, rejuvenated and ready to appreciate his gifts, abilities, and his just 'being there' physically.
ReplyDeleteMine did not know originally, and I was so worried about all the things you mention that I have always been very careful to be as anonymous as possible--never mentioning names, careful with details, etc. He has since read it-- with absolutely no comment (surprise, surprise).
ReplyDeleteIf you don't want to be anonymous, you can mark your blog to be private where from the beginning you are the only one able to read it---then ask him if it is okay for you to publish it.
You certainly don't want to make things worse! Pains inflicted may be forgiven but they will not be forgotten, and trust is a hard thing to regain.