From the book Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward: "People can only give what they can give, and can only be who they are. We are all limited in certain ways, and we are all the product of our own history. Let go of resentment. Find realistic acceptance of what can and cannot be regarding the relationship."
What can your aspie not help being, and what can he choose to help? The aspie may not be able to help that he only sees things from his own perspective, due to his brain wiring. This means, in my situation, that he will believe I am always wrong anytime we disagree/differ. I can expect him to believe I am always wrong. I can accept that it is pointless to try and share my perspective or ever reach mutual understanding. But he can choose to be calm rather than out of control. He can be held responsible for speaking in anger.
I've struggled "through the pain and error that so often create wisdom" (Toxic In-Laws). Struggled so hard to find "realistic acceptance of what can, and cannot be, in a relationship" with all of the difficult people in my life.
From Foolproofing Your Life: "Your goal cannot be to have the fool change; instead, your goal must be to find a personal freedom that allows you to be the person God intends for you to be, no matter what choices your fool makes. Turn from being consumed by the behavior of your fool."
oh oh oh, how timely this is for me! thank you so much - i need to check out that book - blessings, julie
ReplyDelete"We are all limited in certain ways ..." I have been considering this thought for a while now, first provoked by Romans 14 which exhorts us to "accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions ... for God has accepted him." The word "accept" means "admit to friendship." How beautiful is that! And then today I read Matthew 5 where Jesus sets all our thinking and rationale on its head with the Beatitudes and His explanation of what is truly righteous in God's eyes. The chapter ends with some very pointed questions: "If you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?"
ReplyDeleteAs I have been thinking about this, especially in light of your latest blog, I think the difficulty of it all is that we humans tend to think of everything in the "now". But both Romans 14 and Matthew 5 seem to be pushing and prodding us to think eternally. The call is to choose to receive hard things or hard people with love and prayer (Matt 5:44) so that we can be like our Father in heaven, and to "pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another" so that we do not "tear down the work of God" in another person (Romans 14:19-20). But the underlying reasoning of this call is that God will reward us---we will be blessed in the here and now, and in eternity with Him. As a godly commentator said once, "God indeed is not thy debtor, yet none shall serve Him for nought."
So, yes, I need to accept those hard things in the people I love, but I also need to see them as opportunities to be like my Father in heaven who causes the sun to rise on the evil and good. And, as I consider this, I recognize that I, myself, cannot do this. Oh maybe I can pull it off for a little while, but in time I will fail. But in Christ, in His power, I can do this, by laying down my life for another (otherwise known as love). My verse focus for this year is 2 Cor 4:11. I will leave you with this challenging thought: "For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." I invite you to meditate on this verse, taking it word by word and chewing on it and praying over it and trying to live it in the power of Christ. What more could we desire than Jesus being manifested in our mortal flesh!?!
Grace and peace to you on your journey,
Meg