Self-Protective Measures for the NT Partner
in an NT/AS Relationship:
* Don't require eye contact. Because you might not like what you see (and don't see). :(
* Don't make eye contact because you might not like what you see (and don't see). :(
* Don't share your emotions. Be stoic in conversations.
* Don't share too much information.
* Don't attempt "mutual sharing."
* Don't think they want to understand. They probably don't. :(
* Retreat often.
* Retreat quickly.
* Retreat. To a true place of retreat.
* Don't ask. Just smile and nod.
* Talk slowly. In a monotone.
* Don't care when you only ever get disapproval. Well, try not to care, anyway.
* Remember that your behavior is what matters most to an aspie . . . not your heart.
Love your enemies. Bless your enemy. If he is hungry, give him something to eat. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Love your enemies.
I have been married to an aspie man for over 5 years. Over the past 3 years things have gotten progressively worse. I struggle daily with the decision to stay or go. Your list above is exactly what I would need to do if I choose to stay. It is the saddest list. I don't believe that is a way to live. I don't understand why I need to sacrifice myself and not live to my fullest potential. I think you are brave for writing about this topic and saying your true feelings. Thank you
ReplyDeleteAgreed. This was written during one of those very sad times. But then something will happen where I am in need of help . . . and he is there to physically pick up the pieces and keep going where I am too weak to carry on. And I become thankful for him all over again. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI love this list! Its practical and realistic. If there is any defensiveness or tone of sadness that's because of the agony of becoming aware of the truth human limitations. In us as wives and in our partners. And there is real grief in realizing the loss of that dream of what true love should be. On the other hand, emerging from the ashes is a ''blinders off now'' adult grasp of the importance of self differentiation, personal integrity and the encouragement to move forward with what we can be responsible for: our own intentional acceptance. Sad is good and a wholesome reaction. But God reaches into the sorrow and urge us onward and upward!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this list. I think it's so very sad & emotionally depriving, but pretty accurate. It's a hard road that feels impossible to continue on often, but I so appreciate knowing I'm not the only one on it.
ReplyDelete"Over the past 3 years things have gotten progressively worse. I struggle daily with the decision to stay or go. Your list above is exactly what I would need to do if I choose to stay. It is the saddest list. I don't believe that is a way to live."
ReplyDeleteIndeed.
Loving your enemies is one thing, keeping an enemy in your bed (since you're married, I'm guessing that you share a bed) is another thing...
I am sitting here with a cynical smile on my face...
ReplyDelete"Remember that your behavior is what matters most to an aspie . . . not your heart."
Married 12½ years. Discovered 3 months ago my husband has Aspergers. He is in total denial.
For YEARS I had to hear "look at your behaviour".
He even planted a camera in the fluorescent light to videotape me without me knowing when I was upset... and ALL I expected was his arms around after a long day alone with the kids, then 1 and 3...
Or he would push a thing in my face to tape my voice.... even if I told him I felt emotionally raped, he just did it again...
So YES, Remember that your behavior is what matters most to an aspie . . . not your heart.
Now I mirror his behaviour back to him.... but obviously not with my kids and people outside of this jail....
It's been two months since we (or I) broke up. I met my aspie girlfriend at a NYE party, and very soon I felt like I was the luckiest person on earth.
ReplyDeleteShe'd never told me she had AS. It was only after having seen a film about a young aspie guy, I started to wonder and searched for info on the web.
I still feel about our break-up as a disaster, and it was my decision to leave. WE're both 60 y.o. so there's not much to look forward to in terms of love and life companionship. Yet, I felt I couldn't stay. The relationship sucked up all my energy, and my positive attitude turned into emotional apathy. We felt great when we were together (we lived separately) and doing stuff that we both liked. But, waiting for her, often being late, following HER schedule, HER routines, HER needs, in the end emptied my heart and crippled my self esteem. It was living in continuous imbalance.
I know she's suffering and I'm too, and that hurts. But I couldn't keep it going any longer.
(sorry, for my poor English - it's my third language).