Aspie spouses . . . get your hands on the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend as quickly as you can. It will help you learn how to get over the guilt in a good way. (Maybe you didn't even know you were acting out of guilt . . . or that you were being manipulated and controlled by Mr. Nice Guy, or MIL, or siblings, or your boss, or others....)
You will learn how to set some limits on how you will and will not be treated and for what you will and will not put up with. You will meet with resistance at first. But then you will find that your limits are respected. And you will feel more free and more happy than you have in a long time.
Many thanks to those who shared this wonderful resource with me! "Over 2 million copies sold" and it's easy to see why. This book is recommended by countless biblical counselors and is not at all encouraging selfishness. Now stop reading this blog post and go order the book! :)
On my way...
ReplyDeleteYup. Great book. Glad it's working out for you.
ReplyDeleteI think the better book is Boundaries in Marriage by the same authors. I would also HIGHLY recommend Emotionally Destructive Relationships by Leslie Vernick and 10 life-giving principles for women in Difficult Marriages by??. All these books help point us to Christ as our foundation for our worth and how we are to be treated so our position to confront is out of who we are in the Lord because of His love for us and not out of reaction and guilt.
ReplyDeleteAs my pastor reminded me, just because someone is Aspergers doesn't mean that person has a license to treat me rudely, yell, ignore, etc. The KEY is that I cannot control how my husband treats me. All I can do is persistently and calmly remind him that I do not like how he is treating me. When anxious, my husband would frequently yell at me. After I read the above books, I started standing up and saying "I do not like being yelled at. I am going to walk out the door if you do not stop yelling." Before reading the books, I used to say "stop yelling at me" - this was controlling because I was trying to change him. My words have to be about me and what I like/don't like, will do/or won't do. Now I calmly say I want to hear what you have to say but only if you stop yelling. If he doesn't stop, I leave the room. Believe you me, he still yelled after I left the room but it didn't matter because I took ownership of me and of what I will accept. It is very hard work and something I am constantly working at because I am a people pleaser. It is very hard to see how controlling we are - we want them to "get" how what they do hurts us so we want them to change. Instead it is us who must change.
I am looking forward to great conversations as we go through the boundaries book - I have been hoping for women in my situation to share this book and work through what this looks like in an asperger/NT marriage.
"As my pastor reminded me, just because someone is Aspergers doesn't mean that person has a license to treat me rudely, yell, ignore, etc."
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY!
"After I read the above books, I started standing up and saying "I do not like being yelled at. I am going to walk out the door if you do not stop yelling.""
ReplyDeleteJust curious, did he tell you that it's supposedly illogical for you to not like him yelling at you? (some people have tried to argue me into not being sad after they make me sad) If he did, how'd you react? Your reaction could be useful advice for other people in your shoes! :)
Mine uses the "well, that's not submissive" argument. I've been controlled by a false view of submission. I'm learning it is okay to set limits and stick to them.
ReplyDeletei read the books by Dr. Townsend and i will also draw your attention to these few books by Dr. John M.Gottman. get these books and truly you will be blessed . i study on counselling, focusing on marriage and family.
ReplyDeletehere are the books:
1. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
2.The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
3. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
4. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Sue Johnson (Author)
5. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by patrica love and steven stonsy
plus there is an excellent book called : craeting a succesful christian marriage ( forgot the author) google it you may get it. its a violet colour cover book. excellent .