Aspie Wife, Aspie Mom

Who is Responsible for the Want?

2012-01-24T19:46:00.000-08:00

From the book Boundaries:

"Your disappointed desire is what hurts you. The problem lies in who is responsible for the WANT. It's your want, not his. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled, not him. That is a rule of life. We do not get everything we want and we must all grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them. . . . Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our disappointments."

Oweee.

Okay, yep. And aspie spouses do a whole lot of grieving.

We also do a whole lot of blaming.

Deep sigh.

"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy.

I'll think about that tomorrow."

I'm so with you on that one, Scarlett O'Hara!

;)

Boundaries, Ladies. "Boundaries!"

2012-01-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

Aspie spouses . . . get your hands on the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend as quickly as you can. It will help you learn how to get over the guilt in a good way. (Maybe you didn't even know you were acting out of guilt . . . or that you were being manipulated and controlled by Mr. Nice Guy, or MIL, or siblings, or your boss, or others....)

You will learn how to set some limits on how you will and will not be treated and for what you will and will not put up with. You will meet with resistance at first. But then you will find that your limits are respected. And you will feel more free and more happy than you have in a long time.

Many thanks to those who shared this wonderful resource with me! "Over 2 million copies sold" and it's easy to see why. This book is recommended by countless biblical counselors and is not at all encouraging selfishness. Now stop reading this blog post and go order the book! :)

Water Torture

2011-12-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

It's like water torture.

Yep, we hit a bad spell again. Where I feel like the beat up sick guy in the ditch and he's the guy who walks right past without offering to help. He was most certainly NOT the good Samaritan this weekend.

What did he do wrong?

It's what he doesn't do that hurts. That grieves. That kills.

Head held under water...feeling like you're gonna drown. Uh huh, the pressure is awful and you think you're gonna die. Then head up for air. GULP in that air. Breathe it in hard and deep cuz you'll be put back under again.

When? You never know. Just be prepared at all times.

Breathing deeply today. Filling up my lungs, my heart, my soul.

I hate water torture.

God, help me to suffer well. Help me to run this race and hear "well done" at the end.

"To live is Christ. To die is gain."

Amen.

When He Won't Acknowledge He Has Asperger's

2011-12-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a couple of years now, and my aspie spouse still won't read anything about asperger's syndrome. I recently asked him if his mom, his sister, his wife, and a psychologist all told him they believe he has asperger's syndrome . . . would he believe it? You know what he said?

"Probably not."

Well, alrighty then! So . . . that leaves me where? Right where I've always been. Reading, researching, doing all I can to communicate as best I can. It's all on me. As it's always been.

Gulp.

Big Sigh.

I'm learning to take this one day at a time. One issue at a time. The big picture is overwhelming, I know. But at this exact moment, I'm doing okay. Live moment by moment, ladies! That's the best advice I can give you (or anyone, really).

A Good Progress Report to Share!

2011-11-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

Okay. Nice to have a little something positive to share about progress in an NT/AS relationship:

First the bad news, or I should say the 'typical scenario' that occurred recently . . . NT wife was bedridden with an illness. AS spouse did not once, all day, check in on NT wife. Did not once ask if she needed medicine, food, or even a sip of water.

Good news . . . instead of being overcome with anger and flooded by tears, NT wife was fairly emotionless (wow) and calmly and rationally went to AS spouse and said something along these lines:

I am really sad and feel very hurt that while I was so sick and in so much pain you went all day without even once checking to see how I was doing or if I needed medicine or even water. It also hurt me that when I told you I didn't feel well the first thing you did was act frustrated that I was messing up your plans for the day. You didn't ask questions or try to find out exactly what was wrong or how I was feeling. That is very unkind and unloving of you.

Now, if it isn't amazing enough that NT wife was not YELLING and crying while she said these things . . . hold on to your hats folks, because a miracle occurred when AS spouse replied with the words, and I quote:

"I'm sorry."

Miracle of miracles! Wham, Bam, Ala Ka Zam! And that's all he said! He didn't get defensive and make excuses and make it all about him and his frustration. He shut the heck up after saying "I'm sorry."

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'm in shock. No, I never thought I'd see the day. Please, God, let this not be a one-time event. Please, please let this be real, sustainable progress in an NT/AS relationship.

Can I hear an "amen?"

AMEN!

It's Not About You. It's About Autism!

2011-11-16T10:49:00.000-08:00

This is turning out to be a very Word "Full" Wednesday . . . thanks for all your comments everyone!

So here's the other Big Thing about all this we've been discussing in the comments lately.

If "autism" is allowed to be this separate entity, if you will . . . this abnormality/damage/handicap of the brain . . . . then when we NTs share our frustrations, it is NOT "all about you, the aspie."

It's our struggle with autism. It's our struggle with the differences and frustrations that come from AUTISM. It's not about YOU.

We may believe you to be kind, loyal, brilliant, handsome, and the man of our dreams. But sometimes we get frustrated and upset by the different way you think and act. We get frustrated by the brain differences that come from autism. And we try to explain to you our frustrations. And then you act irritated with us for doing so.

So do you want us to act like everything is okay? Do you want us to suppress sobs in the closet? Or are your our soul-mate, our spouse for life, the best friend we should confide everything in? Can you please make it safe for us to share? To share what upsets us? To share our feelings in safety (this means you will listen and love us gently without being defensive)?

For the aspies reading this . . . let's say your NT spouse is taking a medication that alters her mental functioning. It makes her forgetful and disoriented like an alzheimer's patient, at times. Sometimes it makes her aggressive and hostile. NOW. She CANNOT HELP these things. She can struggle against them, but her brain is affected by the meds. And it is very, very difficult for you to live with. It is frustrating and painful to you sometimes.

Say that you want to try to explain to her what is frustrating you. Should she get defensive? Like you are attacking who she is? It's the medicine. It's not "her." It's okay for you to discuss with her what is difficult for you. And she can say "I'm sorry."

This is where it helps you to separate who you are from the autism that affects your brain. This is where you should say "I'm sorry" without getting defensive.

IT HURTS us. "It" hurts us.

And we NTs want to talk it out, explain our feelings and emotional grief. And we want a hug, a listening ear, and to hear "I'm sorry."

That's what we're missing. And that's what we need to be happy.

It's Not About You. It's About ME!

2011-11-16T08:06:00.000-08:00

One of the most frustrating things in trying to communicate with aspies is the inability to share your feelings and perspective without the aspie getting defensive.

If I attempt to share my internal struggles, instead of listening and acting like my pain matters to him, he focuses on what my pain says about him. But there are times when emotional sharing is not about him. It's about me.

So, aspie friends, if I share how difficult something is . . . accept that it has nothing to do with you for a moment. It has to do with me. It has to do with a personal, internal, emotional pain. That I am trying to work out and deal with, both for my own happiness and yours, too. That's what we NTs do, ya know. We talk it out, we write it out, we work it out, out loud (sometimes). Just listen. And nod. And hug. And don't respond as if you've been attacked.

Because for a little while, it's just about us, okay?

It's not about you.

If you think it is about you and you think we're telling you how horrible you are . . . KILL YOUR PRIDE for a moment and just say "I'm SORRY." You don't have to mean that you're sorry for being at fault when you don't think you are at fault. Just say the words "I'm sorry" and think to yourself that you are sorry that the person is unhappy. That's all you have to mean when you say it. Can you do that? Forget about it being about you to any degree. Think about the other person's obvious unhappiness at that moment and be sorry for them.

That's ALL you have to do. That's all you should ever say in that scenario. You have the power to make the NT feel better, be happier, and love you more, just by saying the words "I'm sorry" when they are unhappy or upset. Try it! They are the ultimate magic words.

And I think that is the absolute hardest thing in the world for an aspie. To do. Or to say.

"They Have Such a Great Marriage!"

2011-11-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

"A Great Marriage"

Yep, I said those very words about an NT/AS couple I know. Years ago, I said that my goal in life was to have a marriage JUST LIKE that couple.

I've heard others use those words about an AS/AS couple I know. I've heard others talk about my own (NT/AS) marriage the same way as well. We have SUCH a "great" marriage. That's how it looks from the outside. That's what (almost) everyone who knows us thinks.

And it does look good. And in a literal, practical, almost sterile way . . . it is good. The perfect team. Co-workers for a common goal. Such a hardworking, like-minded, pleasant, and kind couple. Beautiful kids. Nice house. Hospitable family. Ideal life. I'm realizing there are LOTS of families that look like ours. Functioning smoothly and pleasantly.

But with some serious and intense scrutiny you may find that one of the couple is an NT and the other is an aspie. And though their life is "beautiful" . . . the NT has a deep sadness and lacks emotional connection in their marriage.

Now here's the deal. There is a lot of good. Try not to forget the good. Make a list of things you can be thankful for and reflect on that list periodically. There IS some good in your life!

This blog is about one Christian woman's personal struggle as an NT who is married to a man with aspergers. It delves deep into that struggle. And it shares what makes things better and easier for this one woman. It is shared with the hope of letting others know they are not alone on the journey.

Most NT spouses of aspies bash, berate, and tell others to leave. But my goal is to stay. I try hard not to "bash" but I do share my pain. It is difficult to love difficult people. I don't pretend that it is easy to love aspies. But I am trying to love them as best I can. Because I believe difficult people should also be loved.

If this blog gives anyone even a tiny bit of help and hope, then the time and effort has not been wasted. Occasionally I sign in, often after a long absence, seriously planning to hit the "Delete This Blog" button, but I see that a comment has just been posted saying how encouraged someone is to keep working and keep loving their aspie partner. Sometimes it has served as the little boost an NT needed to not give up, and to not feel so alone.

So I'm still here. And I hope you are encouraged.

You are most definitely NOT alone.

FLIP SIDE: In Sickness and For Worse

2011-11-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

This is a follow-up post to "In Sickness and For Worse":

Keep in mind that one of your aspie's best traits is his/her loyalty to you.

If you are injured in a car wreck or one day have brain cancer, become brain damaged, and are then just not yourself for the rest of your life . . . your aspie would stick by you. She/he would keep her vow to stay with you when many NTs wouldn't. Many NTs would run and leave you all alone.

Your aspie is likely very faithful and loyal. We should learn this great trait from them.

It is worthy of honor.

In Sickness and For Worse

2011-11-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

If you are not a person of faith, this post does not apply to you. It is meant for Christians and may also apply to those who strongly believe they should keep vows and promises.

I am saddened by the breakup of two NT/AS marriages I've read about recently. These were aspies who were very self-aware. These aspies worked very hard to make their marriages work. And the NT left them. Now, I admit that if one is not a person of faith, I honestly don't know why the NT stayed as long as they did. If all one cares about is personal happiness in this life . . . "GET OUT NOW!" would be my advice in a heartbeat.

But I am a person of faith. I believe vows before God and promises to others should be kept. That doesn't mean it's easy to stay in an NT/AS marriage. In fact, it's beyond difficult. It's painful. It's gut-wrenching agony sometimes. Sometimes it just sucks. It really does!

And aspies are shooting themselves in the foot when they claim that autism is not a disability or a handicap. Their partners are leaving them left and right because if this is not a handicap/disability or at least recognized as a serious hardship on others, then the aspie is just a jerk or a bitch much of the time, okay? Aspie friends, if this is acknowledged as a brain abnormality, a disability, a handicap . . . you will get more compassion from your NT spouse!!

But of course, the aspie fights these terms. Because the aspie cannot and does not realize it will help SOMEONE ELSE'S perspective and thus someone else's actions towards them! They're not gonna get it! And their partners will leave them, left and right. Is that what you guys want? Okay, you got it. Enjoy life alone. Is that what you REALLY want?!?

As for the NT spouses who are keeping their vows in sickness and for worse: Think of this as sickness. You know it's "for worse" already. Think about your spouse as a handicapped person. Think of them as having been in a car accident, or having gone through brain cancer and then brain surgery. And they came out alive, but not quite themselves. Their brains are altered and damaged to some degree. This degree of damage causes much anguish for you, the caregiving spouse. But they need you, and you promised to be there for them.

It helps to think this way. What sucks is that you're the only one who knows that they are damaged. Others think they are fine. You are the compassionate, giving, stretched-thin, miserable and lonely caregiver and many times no one in the world knows what you suffer. Which compounds the loneliness a hundredfold.

But you are not alone. NT spouses all over the world know exactly how you feel. Support groups would be invaluable for us, but they are incredibly rare at this time. Ultimately though, you are not alone if you are a Christian. Your help comes from the Lord. And that should be, and can be . . . enough.

He gave you this. He brought you two together. He is allowing you to suffer. He wants you to need Him, to go to Him, to depend and rely on Him alone to meet your needs. He is waiting for you and promises to draw near to those who draw near to Him.

Something we NTs can learn from the aspie in this scenario is to do our work with an intrinsic motivation. We can learn from their example not to strive for man's approval and adulation and commendation. We shouldn't need others to pat our backs and tell us what a good job we are doing caregiving our disabled spouse. We should love and live and give our lives for others as unto the Lord, and not unto man.

We are learning these things because of the suffering we experience in our NT/AS marriages. We can become better people, better Christians, because of our troubles and toil in these marriages.

Change your thinking. Focus on these truths. Take heart.

And don't give up.

A Warning Against Temptation

2011-11-13T08:11:00.000-08:00

You know how you can exchange a quick look and smile over small talk with the UPS man, or the guy in the elevator, or a male friend you are chatting with and you are struck with what it feels like to emotionally connect? And I don't mean anything inappropriate here. But you realize in those glances how that most basic NT connection is absent from your NT/AS relationship.

Please carefully reflect and take those glances as a warning to put a hedge around yourself to protect you from temptation. I have heard that Bill y Gra ham made a point of never being alone with a woman other than his wife. Never alone behind a closed door or in a car. He never allowed for a scenario that could lead to adultery. He created strict rules to protect himself even from the slightest appearance of evil. Such a godly and wise man!

Aspie spouses are especially vulnerable to quickly develop an emotional attachment that is very inappropriate for a married person. You are so weak in this area that you could let those glances lead to deep sharing and voila . . . you are involved in an adulterous affair before you know what happened. It starts out as an emotional "affair." And that is also adulterous in nature.

All of this to say beware. Hedge yourself safely. Make what seem like crazy rules that will protect you in your vulnerability. Don't be alone (even in a crowd, really) with an NT guy. If thrown into that scenario, be sure not to share much, and get away as quickly as you can. You are way too lonely and weak to walk through that kind of fire and not get burned. Talk with a friend of the same gender! Pay a counselor if you have to. But don't glance too long or share much at all with any NT male. Only share your emotions, personal thoughts, etc. with a friend of the SAME GENDER. It's a RULE, okay? Make it a Law for yourself if you are married to an aspie.

You are the "weak woman who could be led astray by diverse temptations" as it says in Scripture. (Or, if you are the NT male, read through Proverbs for numerous warnings against adultery and adulterous women--you are an easy target for them, ya know!) Be careful.

Be very, very, very careful.

Getting What You Deserve

2011-11-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

You'd probably start throwing rotten fruit if someone told you that in marriage you get what you deserve. But I think it's worth considering.

You were attracted for a reason. You connected for a reason. The person was attracted to you for a reason. You, at one time, believed you had found your equal, the perfect partner for life.

Now that is a lot to consider.

If you really look back at your family of origin and extended family, or maybe even to marriages or people who had a powerful influence on you . . . I bet you'll see some autistic traits in those folks. It's probable that autism (even though undiagnosed) was a shaping factor in your development. You are drawn to what is familiar to you. Look hard. I bet you find something you weren't expecting.

Not only are you drawn to what is familiar to you, but you might even have some (however mild) aspergerish traits yourself. Think hard.

While dating, NTs of the opposite sex may have seemed too emotional, weak, changeable, or may not have seemed quite smart enough to you. Think about it. Were you either not attracted or even a little bit frightened by the devotion/attention NTs may have shown you prior to meeting your aspie spouse?

And then you met him and everything clicked. He fit the checklist. He didn't scare you away. Hmmmmm.......?

Now. You're married. For a reason. You fit with this particular guy. You fit with this particular, peculiar asperger guy. Okay?

Am I saying you got what you deserve? Well, I'm saying you got what you wanted from the first.

And you got what God designed especially for you, as part of His perfect plan, which includes how you were created yourself (both by nature and nurture in your growing up years). And as far as shaping those character issues in yourself that need the most work . . . are you seeing some stuff you didn't realize was there thanks to that aspie guy you married? Eh? So in God's plan, you got what you needed.

Deep breath. So much growth and positive steps can happen once all of this is contemplated and embraced.

Ouch.

Just Accept It, Even If It Doesn't Make Sense, Okay?

2011-11-01T05:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, aspie friends, we come to an impasse over and over again. We explain something you can do to help our relationship. Something you can do that will make us feel better, that will make us happier.

But it doesn't make sense to you. So you don't do it.

And then we get mad. And that anger takes root and turns into bitterness. And then we start to really, really hate you. Sad, but true. And yes, that anger/bitterness/hatred part is something we have to work out ourselves, apart from you. It's an internal struggle.

But there are things you can do to make that root disappear more easily and more quickly. There are things you could have done to prevent it from growing so quickly and strongly in the first place. You watered it. You helped it flourish. We are responsible, ultimately, for it. But you played a part, however unknowingly.

When we tell you what is important to us, please (for the sake of our happiness as well as your own):

JUST ACCEPT IT, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, OKAY?!

Accept that we NTs aren't going to make sense. Accept that when we say something is important to us, IT IS IMPORTANT, even if it is "senseless" to you.

Small talk. Hugs. Flowers. Diamonds. A pet.

Our dreams. Our fears. Our happiness. Our tears.

They matter. Take note. Remember. And act on it.

Last night my aspie husband brought home a large plastic tarantula. And I am hurt. Deeply, deeply hurt. It just makes me ill. I am severely arachniphobic and for all of their lives my children (at least they remember!) know I have "banned" any toy spiders from entering this house, and all of sudden he just 'forgets' that? I take this as him forgetting who I am. Forgetting what matters to me. Forgetting to think about me. Forgetting to love me.

You can explain away the aspie brain all you want. It still HURTS MY FEELINGS and was a careless, insensitive, and thoughtless thing to do. He wasn't thinking about me at all.

Whether purposeful or not, it was an UNLOVING thing to do.

And things like this are par for the course in an NT/AS marriage.

And so I struggle and work on forgiving him and getting over my hurt. And he? Well, he brushes it off as ridiculous because "that doesn't make sense." It's a senseless thing to get upset over, he thinks.

Who's doing all the work now? Where's the one-sidedness now?

Just accept it when we tell you something is important. Please.

Please.

Tips for the Aspie Female

2011-10-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

What I Wish My Aspie Girlfriends Knew About Friendship

1. I wish all aspies would read Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People. And take notes. And work on applying what they read.

Applying the principles in Carnegie's book will draw people to you. It teaches you how to show interest in another person. It focuses on making the other person feel appreciated. It teaches you to shut up and listen. And to ask questions about what someone else is interested in. People are by nature very interested in themselves. So if you act sincerely interested in them, you will be showered with attention. People will like to be around you! But a meaningful female friendship takes even more to sustain than Carnegie's book delves into (it was written by a man, you know).

2. I wish my aspie girl friends would accept that a close friendship involves mutual sharing. This is give and take. This includes asking about the feelings of others. It also includes sharing your own feelings. But maybe feelings talk is beyond you. Okay. Mutual sharing of some sort is still required. At least habitually ask something about others. And habitually share at least a little something about yourself.

Some of my aspie girl friends never ask anything about me. They talk about topics of interest (that is, topics of interest to them), but never ask about my life, my thoughts, my health, anything. These are very superficial companions--and it is very hard to feel close to these aspies.

And then I have a few aspie girl friends who ask a lot of questions about my family, my health (no, not about my feelings--are you kidding?), but do not share anything about themselves. This gets old. Because friendship should be give and take. Give of yourself by asking about others, yes. But the give also involves letting the other person "in" to your life/thoughts/feelings as well. Because too much "giving" of yourself in the realm of mere asking about others . . . can seem like "taking" too much from the other person.

The asker-only aspie can come across as an intense counselor or may even make the NT feel as if she is standing before the Inquisition. It can be downright frightening at times to be the "special interest" and focus of a female aspie! These are often the aspie females who will never respond to your questions via email, either. "How are you? What did the doctor say? Are you okay?" C'mon, aspie girls. If someone asks you a question it means they care about you. Please make the time to answer it. Answering questions about yourself and voluntarily sharing at least a little something about yourself (on a regular basis) is necessary fodder for a solid female friendship.

Sound tricky and confusing and way too difficult? Not to an NT. It comes naturally. Your turn, my turn. You share, now I share. I give, now you give. It's a dance and NTs assimilate this naturally on the playground as wee bairns [children].

If you truly care (and you keep saying that you do) about sustaining friendships with other females, it will take very hard work. Stop throwing your hands in the air and whining about how you always try and it never works. Keep trying and keep working. Read books on friendship. Get interested in the study of friendship. Make it a scientific research project and determine to master this subject area with the dedication of a PhD student completing a thesis. Ask questions about others. Respond to questions via email (quickly). And share a little something about yourself. And keep doing all of these things. Over and over again.

You can do it. And we can be friends.

When Your Girlfriend Has Asperger's Syndrome

2011-10-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

(By "girlfriend" I am simply referring to any aspie female friend.)

I am the wife of a man with asperger's, but I am friends with many females who have strong aspie traits. And the same lessons learned in an asperger marriage apply in relationships with aspie females. You gotta be prepared for some things. You must drop those expectations that they will act like your typical girlfriend!

1. If you need a shoulder to cry on, the aspie female is not the one you should call. She might get V E R Y uncomfortable seeing your tears. And then you might get very hurt that she is just sitting there staring at you as you pour heart out. If you need emotional support, be sure to call someone else who will be higher on the empathy scale.

2. But the aspie female is likely VERY loyal and ready and willing to offer practical help to you, even when no one else will . . . . if you clearly ask and spell out exactly what would be helpful. She wants to help, but seriously doesn't have (forgive me, but it's true) the common sense to know what to jump in and do to help.

3. She might not respond to your attempts to stay in touch. She may have "always been there for you" when she lived down the street, but if one of you moves away, you may rarely hear from her. It doesn't mean she doesn't deeply care about you. But the idea of a friend or family member "being close" may be taken literally. (Example: "you're close to people you see often because they live close to you.") The idea of emotional closeness is not easily understood by the aspie. And knowing what it takes to sustain a long distance relationship long term? That may be a one-way, very determined effort on your part.

4. Disagreements or conflict of any kind could rapidly destroy the relationship. If you ever try to address something the aspie female does that is upsetting you, she will likely feel attacked and may get overly emotional. "You don't like me/love me! You hate me! You don't appreciate or admire me anymore!" She won't be able to see that she is not considering your feelings. Trying to get her to see your perspective is really rather pointless. You have to drop that attempt at resolution 'by talking it out' as you do with other NT women. The bottom line is, the aspie female just wants you to be cheerful and kind and patiently forbear with anything and everything she does, even when you are annoyed as hell by her behavior/habit/etc. How what she does/says affects you is entirely beside the point! And this being so, few female aspies are able to sustain friendships with NT women. It will take unrelenting effort on the part of the NT to make a relationship with an aspie female survive.

5. But when it comes to shared hobbies, similar areas of interest, and like minded ideas . . . you can have the best, most interesting and fascinating companion to hang out with. The devotion and focus toward the shared interest will make discussions and outings fun, fun, fun. Do you both love running? Bridge? Sewing? Movies? With any activity that centers around a shared special interest, you may find you always have an eager girlfriend to join you! And that can be a really wonderful thing.

Maintaining a relationship with a female aspie will be a lot of work. There are expectations that must be dropped. Do not expect empathy and remember she is NOT the best shoulder to cry on. But know you may have the strongest loyalty you have ever known. And you will have a knowledgeable and focused companion during outings that revolve around a shared special interest.

I love my aspie girl friends and enjoy their company very much! Easy? No. Worth the effort? Definitely, yes.

"What the . . . huh?!"

2011-10-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.

Cuz you did it again. Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt. Ya Big Dummy. How could you forget like that? He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings. You know that. C'mon. You've been told a gazillion times. When will you ever learn?

But seriously. It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it? "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship. And they recur. No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back. And it hurts. It's the nature of the beast. It's self-centered. "It's all about him/her (the aspie)." It's never about your feelings. Your feelings simply do not matter. All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.

And you forgot again. You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did. You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him. But it's just not about you, ya know. It's only about him! He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk. He gets defensive and feels attacked. "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say. "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him. "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?"

But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that. This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism. He does care about me. If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares. His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings. He doesn't "get it." And he can't. And I shouldn't expect him to.

The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy. Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain. And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury. You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like. They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand. And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.

And so the cycle continues. I expect the impossible. I get hurt. I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive. Will it never end? I despair.

But love always hopes. And God "opens the eyes of the blind." I believe that. Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship. Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical. Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.

Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.

Maybe?

Let's hope!

Still Here

2011-09-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the comments I have been so remiss in posting! I'm still here. Physical ailments have hit hard lately. It's been helpful to see my physical weakness right now as equal to my aspie's neurological weakness. I simply cannot physically do much of the work I had been doing. And he simply CANNOT be an emotional/spiritual support to me. We each have serious limitations! Recognizing that and accepting it and dropping those darned expectations for him to do and be otherwise is So Very Important.

Neither is better or worse than the other. Each are flawed and weak in some way. Each has a job to do and these roles can be a complement to each other. And when these two weak and flawed humans work hard in their areas of respective strengths, they can make for one very productive team.

Doesn't mean it's easy or fun, but it's funny how being totally weak can help us see such strength in others.

Autism linked to OXPHOS metabolic disorder

2011-08-28T06:07:00.000-07:00

More and more research is being done on the genetics and link between autism and metabolic disorders. A good article on this:

Has your autistic child been screened for metabolic disorders?

NT/AS compared to NT/AL-Z!

2011-07-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just had a Lightbulb Moment. Only scratching the surface of this and plan to dig deeper here as I am able: http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/

But here's the thought: We aspie wives probably have much in common with wives of men who have Alzheimer's !

A few similarities:
1. Many of us know something is not working typically in our spouse's neurology, and yet we are NOT able to drop our expectations for our spouse to act typically.
2. They don't really know us. They can be kind and do things that are asked of them. But they don't really know who we are.
3. The odd ways and strange little things they do tend to add up and drive us batty.
4. We are caregivers in need of support and a respite.

Maybe we've been scuba diving for coping strategies in waters that haven't been chartered yet. Maybe it is the spouses of alzheimers patients who have the most wisdom to share with aspergers syndrome spouses. Same water. Different boat.

Frankly, My Dear . . .

2011-07-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

So a bit of clarification on "not giving a damn."

It's not okay to not give a damn about another human being as a human being. It's not okay to wish he would go skydiving without a parachute. That's not okay. Jesus says hate is the same as murder and murderers will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Hate is not consistent with Christianity and one who hates is deserving of hell. When you have hateful thoughts, quickly grab them, throw them to the ground, kill them, confess to God and thank God that through the blood of Christ you have forgiveness and can enter heaven, even though you are a wretched sinner and daily prove that to be the case.

I'll stop the sermonette now. :)

But it is okay and in fact, probably necessary for an aspie's spouse to not give a damn what her aspie spouse thinks of her. Because if she is needing his appreciation, admiration, adoration, consideration, she ain't gonna get it.

She must learn to absolutely totally not care at all what he is thinking, or as is more often the case, what he is NOT thinking, about her.

Love God, and live for His glory. Seek His pleasure and work unto His glory and honor. Your aspie spouse will benefit from your living for God. And so will you.

Need people less, love people more. Fight against the "fear of man." Stop "people-pleasing." Stop thinking or caring what anyone (even your spouse) is thinking or not thinking about you. Just stop.

When you are tempted to dwell on others' good opinion or thoughts of you, say to yourself "I just don't give a damn."

And then look upward in serving and loving God. And look outward so that you can see the needs around you and strive to love others more.

Those are the only things in life Christians should really give a damn about anyway.

The Aspie Caregiver and Chronic Illness

2011-07-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

I keep reading comments on blogs and forums posted by aspie spouses who suffer from chronic illnesses. If there are studies that have researched this I'd like to know more.

Caregivers who don't take care of themselves can suffer physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Not resting enough, not eating well enough, not exercising...all these play a part in deterioration of health.

And then there is the lack of empathy issue when one is suffering.

"I'm tired." I say. Aspie spouse responds "But you just got up." I'm tired mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually! Just because I am standing and walking around and YOU CANNOT PHYSICALLY SEE MY TIREDNESS doesn't mean I am not tired!

My child says "my head and throat hurt so bad!" Aspie father says "I think you're fine." Just because he is walking around and not vomiting doesn't mean he is not sick!

And so we learn, sad as this is, pathetic as this is, we learn that in order for him to recognize that we are not well enough to do work around the house/go to school/whatever he is requiring of us, we must not get out of bed. We must be sure to LOOK physically sick or else we "most certainly are not sick."

And so we learn to stay in bed, exaggerating the look of our illness in order to get the most miniscule hint of understanding that we are not feeling well. We do this so too much won't be demanded of our weakened systems. And then we aren't getting the exercise we need and we are not eating well enough and are not taking care of ourselves in any other way. It's self-preservation that barely preserves.

And chronic illness may be common for those who live with aspies.

You don't say.

Putting Your Own Oxygen Mask On (first)

2011-07-14T04:35:00.000-07:00

And a unique component to being caregiver to this particular 'disability' (let's call it that for the purpose of this post, at least), is that few, if any, others even know you are in this role. Most caregivers are given encouragement and help from others. Meals are brought. Doors are opened. Help is offered.

But not when dealing with this 'invisible' handicap/disability. You are alone. And the person you are caring for doesn't have a clue how much you are struggling and how hard you are working. He doesn't comprehend that you need a break. He doesn't understand the effort required just to get through the day.

We have multiple, serious problems going on in our lives right now. So serious that friends are bringing meals and offering to help. They see the external issues, and yes, they are very difficult. But those issues are a drop in the bucket to this silent, invisible burden that I carry all alone. While friends are offering sympathy and support during these trials we are facing, my aspie spouse is as he always is. Completely detached and unaware of any emotional needs his wife may have. But right now she needs emotional help and encouragement more than ever before in her life! (Big Scream, Uncontrollable Sobs.)

As all of the pressures have been building and building and the lack of sleep (for me, that is, he sleeps through anything) adding up to where I can barely walk straight from exhaustion, he sees me lying down and says "What's wrong?" I've learned the only 'safe' answer to that is 'I'm tired.' This time that tiny part of me that tries to never completely give up hope that he could one day empathize took over and I actually said 'I'm exhausted'. His response "Well, I've got to go to work." Just a 30 minute nap while he watched the children could've rejuvenated me enough to function better the rest of the day. (I know, I should've said as much. But in this state, I am unable to think logically and clearly. I just needed some expression of understanding and help!)

OK, I think. So maybe I can rest when he gets home. He feels he has to go to work (though he has many weeks of unused vacation hours built up!), but when he gets home he will remember I am suffering right now and could use a break. Once home, he never once asks how I'm doing. Around 9p I ask him to do the dishes and get the kids in bed because I desperately need to get some sleep (hoping for the first solid night's sleep in well over a week). He argued, acted disgusted, glared, and grumbled. There was not one inkling of empathy in his response.

Normally I am overcome with guilt and would work despite my weakness and exhaustion, but this time I went to bed. If he can't take care of his wife when she is nearing nervous and physical breakdown then I'm going to have to take care of myself and not give a damn what he thinks about it.

Sorry for the negativity. I'm at a very low point right now overall. :(

Breathe Deeply

2011-07-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

One of the workshops I attended this year at a large autism conference was "Caring for the Caregiver." It was an accepted fact that parents of autistic children are drained, much as any caregiver of any disabled or handicapped person is. Such folks are in a role with high demands placed on them and are in need of encouragement and a respite. But hear an NT spouse use the word 'disabled' in reference to her aspie husband and more often than not she gets attacked--not encouraged.

An aspie spouse is an aspie child who has grown up. And just as an aspie's mother is his caregiver when he is young, an aspie's spouse is oftentimes in the role of caregiver in their marriage. And she (or he) gets drained.

But currently there are very few (if any) workshops given specific to her filling that particular role. So it's important to allow yourself to call it what it is and seek the kind of support any other caregiver of a disabled person would need.

The most important thing I learned from the workshop was that I must BREATHE DEEPLY. Literally. The medical doctor giving the lecture taught the following: "Fill your abdomen with a deep breath as you count to three. Then let it out slowly as you count to six." This really helps body and mind and soul to relax.

Remember the instructions given on an airplane in case of an emergency:

"Put on your own oxygen mask first." Only then can you properly care for those who need so much from you.

Sometimes life feels like One Big Emergency in an NT/AS relationship, doesn't it.

Unbalanced Criticism

2011-06-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

And my previous post leads me to ponder the criticism issue. It's not that I hear an abundance of criticism. Overall the problem is, of course, the communication deficit. Because of the extreme deficit in the area of my aspie spouse giving compliments or praise, it seems as if any verbal remarks made to or about me are usually a criticism.

In "How to Win Friends and Influence People", one learns to balance criticism by first offering compliments or sincere words of praise. In an NT/AS relationship, this probably isn't the way it's done.

The NT rarely hears praise or compliments from her aspergers relatives. She is probably not acknowledged with positive verbal remarks or personal knowledge or appreciation of her character, personality, or any aspects of her humanity, for that matter. So when she is then verbally criticized for something she thinks, did, or is . . . well, you can imagine the feelings this would invoke.

It's just a ranting day, I'm afraid. I might delete these rants in a minute, but sometimes it's helpful to simply share raw, honest emotions.

The Flip Side of Theory of Mind

2011-06-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I was criticized yet again for not doing something to the letter in the way my aspie spouse was thinking it should be done. He didn't speak his thoughts or ask for things to be done a specific way. Why would he? Because his thoughts are the only possible, plausible, or potential way something should have been done. And how could I not get that? Huh? What planet did I come from? I should just know what he was thinking. Oh my.

There was no thought of saying or sharing his thoughts out loud with me. And I can explain until I am blue in the face why it is good and necessary to use verbal communication to convey one's thoughts on any given matter and he will argue incessantly that I should just know.

Moments like this leave me wanting to . . . . I don't even know. It's insane and I can't even explain how INSANE it is. But other aspie's wives know what I'm talking about, don't you?

OK... as I'm writing this I'm realizing how some aspies must feel in the expectations we have of them to, for example, give us a hug rather than walk away when we are crying. Our aspie spouses can't read our minds either-- even in the most basic of common sense situations.

But then our aspie spouse may expect us to read his mind about a very detailed way something should be done, because of course, his thinking is the only way to think about, well, anything.

AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep breath. This is SO hard. Feels impossible to handle.

What's the solution? I know, I know. We can't expect anything 'typical'. We must be willing and able to explain everything we expect/want by way of response (which needs to be a practical action he can do).

But how do we handle this expectation he has for us to read his mind when he is unwilling (unable?) to verbally explain things to us?

I don't know.

Screaming, yelling, and throwing things doesn't make things better, though.

Please don't ask how I know that. ;)

DEEP BREATH. This is so very hard.

from an AS male "On NT/AS Traditional Roles"

2011-06-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

This Delphi forums post is copied with permission from the author.

"My elaboration on what non-traditional means is that many things do not have the meaning that is traditionally given to them. Some examples of what this looks like is the following.

(1) Wife asks the husband to do something. Traditional meaning: wife is bossy. NT/AS meaning: wife is being considerate, and giving her husband an escape from social activity, and a chance to contribute something that he is grateful for.
(2) Husband works at projects, doesn't socialize with the family. Traditional meaning: husband doesn't like the family. NT/AS meaning: husband is trying to give to the family in ways that are neurologically possible for him, in terms of acts of service.
(3) Husband buys wife/family lots of things, or is polite, or quiet, or both: Traditional meaning: the family is lucky, everything is wonderful, the marriage is perfect. NT/AS meaning: the family needs emotional support, and might be very lonely, but no one sees this. In times of crisis, friends shouldn't assume the family is getting the needed emotional support from the AS husband.
(4) Wife seems to take charge of everything, and doesn't seem to let her husband do anything: Traditional meaning: wife is overbearing, and needs to back off to give her husband room to be himself. NT/AS meaning: wife is compensating, often sacrificing her own needs, to keep things on track.

Looking at these, even though they might be realistic, they are a little more negative than I intended. That doesn't make them false. It's just that they are not the whole picture.
My perspective, as a married AS man in my 50's, is that the most successful NT/AS marriages are those where the NT partner has the final say in most things. The AS partner is comfortable enough to express their true opinions, and give all the input they can, without expecting their advice to always be taken. The AS partner contributes acts of service. The NT partner uses their good judgement to make good decisions on behalf of both partners.

As most people with AS are men, that can leave our NT wives mostly in charge. I don't think that is necessarily the case in most traditional NT/NT relationships.
There is a lot that can get in the way of this. I think the biggest obstacle is most likely to be our AS defensiveness, and the often inaccurate perceptions of reality that I think many of us with AS can have, in terms of who is doing the most work in a relationship, and in terms of us not seeing or valuing the emotional support and good judgement our NT partners bring to a relationship."

the post is by cmasp, who infrequently posts at http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/index.php and who co-founded Families for Autism Intervention Resources (FAIR - https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_134222624507&ap=1)

Another Good AS/NT Relationships Forum

2011-06-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Here's another really good forum for those in an NT/AS relationship:

http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/index.php

Strategies for Arguing with an Aspie

2011-06-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

One of my children argues with us all the time. This often leads to meltdowns that have lasted almost two hours. It's exhausting and unnerving. This article has some excellent strategies to help those in an argument with an aspie:

http://www.autismdigest.com/Portals/0/docs/Argue_Jul09.pdf

On Becoming a "Saint"

2011-05-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

Another quote from A.W. Tozer:

"We expect to enter the everlasting kingdom of our Father and to sit down around the table with sages, saints and martyrs; and through the grace of God, maybe we shall, maybe we shall.

But for the most of us it could prove at first an embarrassing experience. Ours might be the silence of the untried soldier in the presence of the battle-hardened heroes who have fought the fight and won the victory and who have scars to prove that they were present when the battle was joined.

The devil, things, and people being what they are, it is necessary for God to use the hammer, the file, and the furnace in his holy work of preparing a saint for true sainthood.

It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply."

Pain and Suffering

2011-05-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

For suffering Christians, the book "Be Still, My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering; 25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain", edited by Nancy Guthrie, is a must to own.

Here's just a little taste of the wealth of encouragement (which ranges as far back as St. Augustine and moves to the present day writings of the likes of John Piper and Joni Eareckson Tada):

"Strange as it may sound, it is yet true that much of the suffering we are called upon to endure on the highway of holiness is an inward suffering for which scarcely an external cause can be found. For our journey is an inward journey, and our real foes are invisible to the eyes of men.

Attacks of darkness, of despondency, of acute self-depreciation may be endured without any change in our outward circumstances. Only the enemy and God and the hard-pressed Christian know what has taken place.

The inward suffering has been great and a mighty work of purification has been accomplished, but the heart knoweth its own sorrow and no one else can share it. God has cleansed his child in the only way he can, circumstances being what they are.

Thank God for the furnace."
A.W. Tozer (1897-1963)

The "Committed" Aspie's Wife

2011-05-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

Word of warning to aspies who are reading this . . . . You may want to skip this post. It is an honest account of a neurotypical's struggle. It delves into a different perspective--one that is trying to understand and cope with NT/AS reality. I sincerely hope you do not take offense. Please realize we NT wives need some "hooks" to hang this new found knowledge on, and sometimes it sounds harsh. It can help us to be able to compartmentalize, organize, and see order in the midst of the confusing chaos.

Some wives of aspies are 100% committed to the relationship. Often, these are the wives with strong religious beliefs. But even though we are committed, we sometimes flail about in utter confusion as to what we are actually dealing with. We want to understand where we are, because we are NOT in the relationship we always thought we would have.

Times have been rough around here lately for various reasons. My commitment has begun to make me feel like one 'committed' to an institution. It has recently felt like I am in a prison of sorts. A white-collar prison, with many comforts and amenities. But a prison all the same.

And the aspie of the house is the prison guard. There is a sense of freedom when the guard is away. But when he is around, the inmates must show respect. You must expect nothing from him other than provision of basic needs. You must not expect understanding or friendship or compassion. He's the guard. You follow his rules, keep calm, and make sure all things are in order. Straighten up. Show respect. Yield to authority. It's prison after all.

But if you are a Christian, you are, like the apostle Paul, a prisoner of the Lord. You participate in His sufferings. For a reason. It's so much easier when you think about it in this light, isn't it?

On the surface, it certainly feels like life is horrible. It's easy to be full of self-pity. Woe is me. The majority tell you to break out, break away, and never look back.

But delving into the spiritual meaning in it all, your sufferings are not in vain. If you were imprisoned on the mission field, you would see purpose in your jail time. You would strive to show honor and love toward your enemies, and toward the prison guards. You would aim to be a witness for good in the midst of the trial.

So remember, if you are a Christian who is committed to the relationship, you are called to serve each day, even when it feels as if you are a prisoner, for the glory of God.

"Life isn't all about me" should be the Christian's motto to follow. And managing to stay in an NT/AS relationship is the perfect chance to work that motto out each and every day.

Movie "The Switch" (has hints of asperger's); Autism the Musical

2011-04-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

The movie "The Switch" with Jason Bateman and Jennifer Anniston seems to portray a man and a little boy with several autistic traits. I really enjoyed the movie and want to watch it again, next time paying closer attention to those characters.

I also recently watched "Autism: The Musical" and heartily recommend it. Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time! I empathized so much with the parents of the autistic children.

Homeschooling with Asperger's Syndrome

2011-04-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

Before we married, my husband and I knew we wanted to homeschool any children we may have. At the time, our reasons were primarily religious. But now I can see great benefit in homeschooling for other reasons, too. Particularly if the children are on the autism spectrum!

I certainly do not believe homeschooling is the "only" or even the best option for every family. Parents who seriously personally struggle with self-discipline, self-control, and with lovingly instructing their own children should probably not homeschool. But mere "fear" of not knowing enough, not having enough patience, not having the strength . . . those characteristics can, and will, all be developed along the way. There are many, many step-by-step helps out there for schedules, curriculum and more. So don't let a feeling of being unqualified stop you from homeschooling. Reading, Writing, and 'Rithmetic are the basic necessities to focus on in the younger years. Once you get into higher learning (chemistry, physics, and such), there are often co-ops, tutors, and other classes available outside of the home. But I digress.

For the family with an autistic child, homeschooling has unparalleled benefits. These include:
1. Avoiding bullies and avoiding being made to feel 'stupid', 'weird', or worse, by immature peers.
2. Time (hours and hours and hours of it) to pursue one's special interest and hobbies. If desired, all subjects of the school day can be designed to revolve around the child's special interest. Learning can be fun and interesting. The child can truly become an expert in his field of interest without the gobs of wasted time involved in the typical school day.
3. Ability of the family to introduce a wide variety of educational material in many forms. This includes an incredible opportunity for various educational field trips. Also enables encouraging the in-depth study of many different subjects, in hopes of the child finding more special interests along the way.
4. Time for therapies and extra-curricular activities.
5. Allowing the child to move at his own pace without being held back where they excel, or made to feel stupid in areas where they struggle. One of my children is three years ahead in reading, and a year behind in math. And that's totally okay and they are not in a 'special ed' class because of it.
6. Avoidance of the battles for IEPs, after-school homework (there's plenty of time in a regular day to get all the sit-down schoolwork done, ya know), teacher meetings, school fundraisers, and all the other worries and hassles parents must suffer when their children are in school (glad to say I don't even know all that is involved).
7. One-on-one instruction in a sensory stable (and diet-controlled) environment. Less distractions. Less trauma. Less pain. Less frustration.

At a recent live presentation, I heard a mom ask Mr. Robison (author of "Look Me in the Eye") if he was opposed to homeschooling for children on the spectrum. He responded that he was NOT opposed to it, as long as the child was involved with a 'pack' of children . . . like in extracurricular activities or other homeschool group activities or classes.

Isolation can be detrimental for a child on the spectrum, as he won't have the opportunity for practicing social skills in a group. But in today's homeschooling scene, groups are very, very easy to find. The argument about a lack of socialization holds very little water for the vast majority of the homeschoolers of this decade. In homeschooling circles, as our packs of children are happily mingling together, we parents heartily laugh at the absurdity of such an argument. :)

In an autism parent support group I attended, the conversation revolved around how sullen, sad, lonely, and bullied their children were because of the peers in their schools. It was absolutely heartbreaking to hear. I came away more certain than ever that our decision to devote so much hard work, time, energy, and money to homeschooling was the right thing for us to do.

My homeschooled children are happy. Seriously happy. NOT bullied by their peers. Part of a pack of children. Enjoying extracurricular activities. And they have oodles of time to pursue their special interests. Learning is fun for them and not considered geekish or strange. It's life. For our family, homeschooling is a very, very good thing.

Relationship Help for Women with Asperger's Syndrome

2011-04-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

This year I attended a large autism conference. There were many excellent talks led by various professionals in the field of autism, but the session that had the most profound effect on me came from a Q and A panel with autistic adults. I'm still processing and trying to take it all in.

The women with aspergers shared that the most helpful book they have found to improve their relationships is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Another book called "The Art of Talking" was mentioned, but I'm sorry to say I'm not sure exactly which book/author they were referring to as there are more than one with similar titles.

It seemed that these female aspies deeply valued being accepted by others, and they were frustrated by how often they are wrongly judged and misunderstood.

Reading and applying the relationship skills advice found in the above mentioned books could be invaluable helps in maintaining and deepening relationships with others. If you don't learn how to communicate and show concern and care for others in the way they need/want you to, you will have very few good friendships. If you are unable to reciprocate relationally in the typical fashion, others will feel they are the only one holding the relationship together. A few maternal, committed types will stick by you. Most folks will let the relationship go. But you do have the power to sustain friendships if you realize it takes work and commitment to learn how. There is hope! Just don't expect it to be easy.

The best success will come when you determine to learn absolutely all you can about communicating with others and making friendships flourish. If this area becomes your special interest and new hobby, you could not only master the skills, but also then be able to teach others about the art of keeping relationships strong!

How to Relate to Women with Aspergers

2011-04-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

There are several women with strong autistic traits in the extended family and I am often completely puzzled when I try to understand and communicate with them. Overall I am finding it very difficult to find information on how to relate to women with asperger's syndrome. Any links or advice you can share in the comments are most welcome.

What do females with aspergers want from their female friends and relatives? What is the best way to communicate with women on the autism spectrum?

I don't sense that they desire to connect emotionally. I don't sense they have interest in understanding the hearts or minds of NTs. Generally I sense little interest in improving their own communication skills (because they don't see why that is important or what difference it will make, maybe?).

My best guess is that women on the spectrum simply want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be unconditionally loved. They want you to overlook their foibles, understand that they care about you (even though they don't communicate it well), and want you to not take offense (because none was meant). They want you to smile and seem cheerful and pleased with them. Don't cry or get too emotional because that is very uncomfortable for them. If they like you, they want you to spend time with them by doing activities together (and not necessarily talking much). And that's about it, right? Nothing more is expected or required . . . ?

To the female aspies reading this . . . know that there are many of us who are trying to maintain good relationships with women on the spectrum. Please realize we want to understand you and we are working very hard to be "close" to you. We honestly just don't know how.

"Connecting With Your Aspergers Partner"

2011-04-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

Anyone read this book? It sounds very promising!

___________________________________________________
Connecting with Your Asperger Partner
by Louise Weston
Foreword by Tony Attwood
September 2010
208pp ISBN: 978-1-84905-130-9
pb £12.99 US$18.95 AU$29.95

http://www.louiseweston.com.au/

Social Skills Songs

2011-03-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

Our children love the social skills songs by Jeanne Lyons on her cd called "Gather the Stars." They are learning about flexibility, changing the subject, and not talking on and on and on. My personal favorite is the song which encourages patience and faith with people on the autism spectrum. "Christina", "Flexibility," and my children's favorite, "Perseveration Station," can be heard by clicking the star next to the lyrics here:

http://www.bitlink.com/jeannelyons/samples.html

To hear the funny "Personal Space Invaders" and "Long-Winded Lou" and a few others you'll need to buy the cd. :)

I wish Mrs. Lyons would make an updated version with just her beautiful voice and a guitar. This cd was created over a decade ago, but the lyrics and music are fun and helpful anyway. My guess is children up to the age of ten would enjoy singing along with these social skills songs.

Aspergers: Live Chats

2011-03-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

Another positive aspergers forum (which can serve as great, FREE counseling sessions if you ask enough questions!) over at Dephi Forums is "AS and their Partners": http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start Be careful not to confuse it with another similar sounding one (which is full of aspie bashing). "AS and their Partners" is moderated by a very insightful aspie male named Gerry who is married to an NT woman.

Search the archives and then when you have questions that you need to get some insider aspie wisdom on, join the Friday night chats from 9-11p Eastern time and ask away. Gerry is great at answering questions in real-time. He ought to get paid for sharing so much "better than gold" advice, but I promise, it is free. Just remember to be nice. :) No aspie-bashing allowed.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start

Roses, Cacti, and now Daisies

2011-03-01T12:53:00.000-08:00

Anyone else getting sick of the roses and cacti symbols that are so often used for NT/Aspie relationships? Personally, I don't even like roses anymore. They are beautiful when in bloom, but they wilt so quickly and so easily without tender care. Too painful to contemplate the similarities. So I'm done with roses. If you noticed my new profile pic, I'm now particularly fond of daisies.

Daisies are hearty little flowers that can take a lot of neglect and still stay pretty. Then of course there's the symbolism of the "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" petal-picking game. Quite fitting description for the emotional ups and downs in an NT/Aspie marriage, don't you think?

Straight-lined petals (like their pattern?), often plain and white (and we must think in black and white so often!), but they can sometimes be found with cheerful splashes of color:

DAISY IDOMS:
"Fresh as a daisy" = full of energy and enthusiasm
"Pushing up the daisies" = to be dead

Two extremes for one little flower.

I like it. :)
And it fits.

Attitude and Actions

2011-02-26T07:48:00.000-08:00

A cheerful attitude and kind actions are likely all an aspie wants from his spouse. Gavin's excellent keywords for understanding aspies and affection are found in his Valentine's post at the Life With Aspergers blog: "Smiles and Hugs." Simple, and oh, so true. He just wants smiles and hugs!

Sadly, what aspie males probably don't comprehend is what is required of him to elicit those things from her. And so the two most important things to him are probably the very last things he tends to get.

For all of this to really work a few steps must be taken.
1. First, the NT wife absolutely must give up the hope and expectation that her aspie spouse is or ever will be deeply interested in her innermost thoughts or feelings. He doesn't have any interest in (or ability to be) 'connecting' with what makes her who she is spiritually and emotionally at the core of her being. Such a bitter pill to swallow. But to heal the marriage, it must be swallowed! And that pill must be swallowed every time the cancerous bitterness creeps back into her heart. She might lose some hair (from pulling it out in frustration!) while taking this treatment pill, but keep in mind any negative side effects will be worth suffering, to reach the healing outcome ahead.

2. Next, she must clearly communicate to him that she is deeply *unhappy and needs him to do X, Y, and Z to help make her happy. X, Y, and Z must be tangible, practical, things/actions that can be carried out by someone with asperger's syndrome.

*(Sometimes 'unhappiness' is not understood by the aspie when explained in words, but may only be understood by some degree of absence of warm attitude and actions. This is a tough one to grapple with as a Christian, and will be the subject of another post.)

3. The Aspie must make X, Y, and Z a top priority of things he must do regularly in his life. This means it comes before paying the bills, before brushing his teeth, before whatever his 'special interest' is. Before anything that gets the first/most of his time or money should come X, Y, and Z that show his wife he loves her in the ways she wants to be shown. And so he must swallow his own bitter pill -- one he believes to be a placebo because X, Y, and Z make no sense to his brain and he truly doesn't believe it will make any difference whatsoever in the NT's attitude or actions.

But I can tell you that it will make a difference. Her attitude and actions will change for the better. Magically, somehow, without your being able to understand it, those inner workings of the heart will cause outer workings of cheerful attitudes and actions. Smiles and hugs will reappear. If, and likely only if, you get to work on her 'Honey Do You Love Me' list of X, Y, Z.

Sticky Note Reminders for the Christian NT Wife

2011-02-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

When the hard times hit, and the INSANITY you feel in your NT/AS marriage begins to take over . . .

It helps to hear over and over, again and again, the little reminders that bring back some semblance of sane.

1. This is neurological wiring of the brain.

2. You must drop your "NT" expectations! The surest way to avoid disappointment is not to expect anything from others.

3. This is a very difficult trial to live with.

4. This lonely trial can and should draw you closer to Christ, depending on Him as your very closest friend.

5. This fiery trial is ordained by God for your good, to sanctify you (which is just a theological word for make you more like Christ).

And most importantly, remember to "above all, fervently love one another." 1 Peter 1:22

NT/AS Christian Counseling

2011-02-20T16:01:00.000-08:00

Members of the leadership of our church recently attempted an intial (and brief) counseling session with my husband and me. As he does not acknowledge that he may have Asperger's Syndrome, I did not mention it during that meeting. Autism or any reference to "autistic traits" did not enter the conversation.

And it seemed very unfair to me. For his sake!

He was gently censured and told that it is his responsibility to emotionally connect with his wife. As much as the angry, bitter part of me wanted to stick out my tongue and say "NahNahIToldYouSo!" I didn't do that. :) I felt sorry for him. But what's a gal to do, huh? He gets angry if the "A" word is used at all in reference to himself. He would be livid if I "accused" him of being autistic in front of anyone else.

Aspies, please don't take this harshly, I'm fighting for him on this one . . . but those counselors may as well have told a blind man to parallel park between two brick walls without getting a single scratch on the car! They are demanding something of him he is not capable of doing, aren't they?! They are making him feel like a failure, and feel guilty for something he cannot help, right?

Obviously, I can see he's bringing this on himself by his total denial of Asperger's. That part is his fault and I am at a loss as to how to help him. Many folks talk about the failure of counseling NT/AS couples when autism is not brought into the equation. Now I can see for myself that it truly doesn't work.

It may even make things worse.

"A Rough Companion"

2011-01-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

This quote from "The Loveliness of Christ" seemed quite applicable to me as a Christian aspergers wife:

"He cutteth off your love to the creature, that ye might learn that God only is the right owner of your love, sorrow, loss, sadness, death, or the worst things that are, except sin: but Christ knoweth well what to make of them, and can put his own in the crosses common, that we shall be obliged to affliction, and thank God, who learned us to make our acquaintance with such a rough companion, who can hale us to Christ."

The Medicated Rose

2011-01-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

Know that I am not at all 'throwing stones' at anyone who chooses medication to deal with their emotional problems. If it works for you, then praise God! I consider it for myself once per month at least.

But two things stop me from accepting the offered prescriptions from my doctor. One is that I really do grow more spiritually during the hard times and trials God gives me. But to be very honest, that spiritual (ized?) reason alone doesn't stop me from taking meds. You can certainly be a growing Christian while on medication! What stops me dead in my tracks when I am tempted to take meds for emotional problems is the potential side effects and withdrawal issues that may result from the medicine itself.

Will Medicine Stop the Pain?: Finding God's Healing for Depression, Anxiety, and Other Troubling Emotions by Dr. Laura Hendrickson is definitely worth reading if you are considering or are taking such medications. Dr. Hendrickson is a biblical counselor, mom to an autistic son, formerly a practicing psychiatrist, and once took some of these medications herself. This book explores the reasons one should be very careful about certain medications and she shares her personal (and almost tragic) story from her time on anti-depressant medications.

Most close to home, though, is a friend of mine who has suffered from pain and depression for many years. She is currently having horrific side effects from her years of being on anti-psychotic drugs. She will tell you these side effects (which no doctor can figure out how to treat!) are worse than all the pain and all the depression she suffered for so long. While watching her and seeing how awfully she is now daily suffering from the side effects of a drug, I decide anew to keep plodding through these trials, unmedicated.

Please don't feel harshly judged if you are taking these meds. I am very thankful for medications that help when we need them. God uses many different means to work in different folks' lives. However, I do encourage you to read Dr. Hendrickson's book to get a different perspective than many doctors may give you. And then, whatever you decide, go forward in faith!

Throwing Stones at Aspies

2011-01-12T12:34:00.000-08:00

"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7

NT wives complain, rant, and rave with numerous "aspie attacks" on internet forums. It is actually quite frightening to read what some women will say (to the world!) about their husbands. These women obviously don't recognize the sin in their own hearts. They (and we) are all hypocrites.

John Calvin in his commentary on John 8:7 says "by this word he only reproves hypocrites, who mildly flatter themselves and their vices, but are excessively severe, and even act the part of felons, in censuring others. No man shall be prevented by his own sins from correcting the sins of others, and even from punishing them, when it may be found necessary, provided that both in himself and in others he hate what ought to be condemned; and in addition to all this, every man ought to begin by interrogating his own conscience, and by acting both as witness and judge against himself, before he come to others. In this manner shall we, without hating men, make war with sins."

So without hating the aspie, and all the while hating the sin in our own hearts, one can ask "What are the particular sins common to Asperger's Syndrome?" One counseling lecture entitled "How To Counsel an Adult with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome" explored how the aspie is often very selfish. Not considering others' perspectives and feelings is certainly self-centered and selfish. The aspie may have no comprehension that he is being selfish and likely has no intention of being selfish. And this makes change seem impossible. But his not acknowledging his sin, especially once it is explained to him, is evidence of sinful pride. He is too proud to show humility by acknowledging (though others expressly point it out to him) that he is at fault. Is he to blame for this? No, not to blame (because he is wired this way), but he is still responsible. Because we are all required by God to be perfect, as Christ is perfect, even though it is impossible to ever reach perfection before Christ returns.

Huh? Exactly. It is a mystery, and I cannot explain it. Biblical counselors and theologians can help make it more clear than I can. But what little I can grasp is a comfort during the times I am scratching my head at the wonder of the autistic brain. It helps me to recognize what I can and do what I can to deal with the difficulties. In a nutshell . . . .

1. My aspie spouse is selfish and self-centered in not thinking of others or understanding their feelings and perspectives. The fact that he does not see this about himself exhibits a great deal of pride. He should accept this to be true, even without understanding it, and should work on doing all that he can to change his sinful behaviours.

2. My responses to him are, at their root, selfish, self-centered, and a result of pride (thinking I deserve better or that I am better). It is hypocritical to "throw stones" at him when I have the exact same weaknesses (which may simply be displayed differently).

And so daily we should forgive, pray, forbear, and love. Humbling ourselves and looking at our own hearts, we should strive to overcome our faults and grow through the trials of living with and loving difficult people. Because we are all, every one of us, difficult people to live with.

"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7

The Suffering Spouse and Sanctification

2011-01-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

"Our pride must have winter weather to rot it." Samuel Rutherford, The Loveliness of Christ

Starting a new year in a constant state of suffering is quite sobering. Is this what the new year holds for me? Is this what the next decade (or even longer) will hold for me? Well, maybe. And maybe that's not tragic. Seriously.

Reflecting on suffering and happiness and the Christian life leads to a realization that the Christian should expect suffering in this life because the goal of this life is to be made more like Christ. It is to grow and change and become more like Him. The goal here is not happiness. Oftentimes when we are most 'happy' we are not really being challenged to change or grow--we tend to just coast along, forgetting to pray, forgetting to strive for holiness. But this is not our home. We are travelers and this human life is temporary--just a breath in the span of eternity.

C.S. Lewis, in "Letters to an American Lady" empathizes with and encourages a female correspondent throughout her daily trials of life. He constantly directs her thoughts to heaven, reminding her that we shouldn't be so focused on our personal happiness in this life. What particularly struck me in my reading of this little gem of a book, was Lewis reminding the lady of her choice between Crosses. The context was choosing to live alone in her old age, or living in an 'old folks home' with a bunch of cantankerous senior citizens. Both are hard. Lewis says:
"It is (no disguising it) only a choice between Crosses. The more one can accept that fact, the less one can think about happiness on earth, the less, I believe, one suffers. Or at any rate the suffering becomes more purgatorial and less infernal."

If you are a Christian and you desire to grow in faith, then you will (must?) suffer. And that then leads to very, very good things-namely, becoming more like Christ. It means becoming more kind, more patient, more loving, less selfish, less proud. During trials and times of suffering, keep in mind that for the Christian, life often involves a choice between Crosses.

I encourage you to reflect on 1 Peter 1-4. He deals much with suffering. It is challenging to me to start this new year with a deeper understanding of the purpose of trials in this life. I want to suffer well, as a Christian should. I want my suffering to have a good purpose. I want to honor God in my suffering.

"For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are *beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness-by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1 Peter 2: 19-25

*beaten is referring to slaves during those times--no woman should stay in a physically abusive relationship! But think of this challenge--to suffer patiently (and remember that our suffering is much less that those in this context) without reviling our aspies when they hurt our feelings. Rather we should be loving them with much patience. Then we will be honoring God in our suffering.

NT/AS Clue: "What's Wrong?!"

2011-01-11T15:55:00.000-08:00

NT/AS Clue: The Aspie should not ask "what's wrong?" The Aspie should instead ask "what can I do to help?" The NT should not respond to "what's wrong" with an explanation of her emotional state. The NT should respond to "what's wrong" with a clear-cut statement of something practical the aspie could do to help her feel better.

It took me YEARS to understand this NT/AS rule. Countless times when I have been upset, my aspie spouse has asked (ahem, demanded) that I respond to "What's wrong?" Idiotic me (ok, neuro-typically wired me) would always go into a long explanation of my emotional problems/feelings at the time. BIG MISTAKE. Always ended in tears (for me) because he never responded appropriately. Now, of course, I understand that he truly didn't ever intend to be mean. Now I know that when he asks "what's wrong", what he means is "what can I do to help?"

And that's all he means. He doesn't have any interest in, and doesn't know what to "do" with, emotional monologue. He does, however, want to help. And so I can help him better help me by dropping the emotional stuff and respond with the likes of:

"I'm tired, can you watch the kids?" or "I'm stressed, can you massage my neck?" or "I just need a hug" or "Will you please bring me a drink?"

And it would really help the NT (who when she is emotional, and tired, and stressed, can't think well in aspie language anyway), if the Aspie would change his language and use the words "What can I do to help?" rather than saying "What's wrong?"

NOTE TO ASPIES: When you ask "what's wrong?" you are really asking for it . . . NT style! Thank you for wanting to help. But please, please use the words "What can I do to help you right now?" It'll make things so much clearer and so much easier. For everyone.

It's the Most Tumultuous Time of the Year

2010-11-26T12:44:00.000-08:00

Tumultuous:  highly agitated, as the mind or emotions; distraught; turbulent.

It's the holiday season, and for many wives of aspies, the "whoop-de-do" isn't always all that wonderful. There could be turbulence with the in-laws about where to celebrate and when to get together.  The NT wife may already be agonizing over gifts. "I have to tell him once again exactly what to get me for a gift because he doesn't have a clue what I like (or even what size I wear-sheesh!)."

When getting ready to spend the holidays with the aspies in the family, prepare more than a clean house, lovely gifts, and scrumptious food. Prepare your heart. Get ready to forgive, forbear, and love. Pray (maybe even fast and pray!), and change your mindset.

Don't think about how difficult it is to connect with them. Don't dread the time you will spend with them. Don't pity yourself for how unappreciated, unnoticed, and unloved you feel.

Instead, focus on loving them. And the kind of love they desire is probably pretty simple. You don't have to ask probing questions or go out of your way to do much of anything, really. They may just like to be together, even if that means sitting in front of the television all day. Stop stressing over feeling you have to carry all the conversations and try to enjoy the quiet. Read a magazine, play with the dog, or give the children your undivided attention (children are sponges for attention!). Help prepare, serve, or clean up the food, but don't wear yourself out doing it (because they won't notice and don't care about that anyway).

If you are the hostess, keep it simple. But most importantly, keep a cheerful spirit. They may not notice the spotless floors or triple layer cheesecake you spent many hours on, but they will notice a bad attitude and unloving disposition. They won't understand that your sour attitude could have anything whatsoever to do with them, so nothing productive can come of it anyway. :)

It's the holiday season. Love your neighbor. Love your enemies. Love your aspies!

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.   1 Corinthians 13:13

The Blog is Now a Book!

2010-11-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

Blog2Print.com can turn any Blogger blog into a book within minutes. You can choose your cover, which posts to include, comments or not, etc. Includes a table of contents with post titles and page numbers for easy reference. Prices start around $10 and it arrives in about a week. Now how cool is that? If interested in printing this blog, you have my full permission. I blog with the hopes of encouraging others, and I have no copyright.

Thank you for reading and for posting all of your encouraging comments!

Aspmom

Forbearing with An Aspie

2010-11-08T04:16:00.000-08:00

Studying and practicing forgiveness is vitally important, but forbearing with an aspie spouse may be just as vital to practice and contemplate. I am currently wading through another commentary-like reference book by the biblical counselor Martha Peace, called Attitudes of a Transformed Heart.

The dictionary says forbearance is "patient endurance." Mrs. Peace says "A person who is forbearing puts up with the differences as well as mistakes of others and they biblically bear with the sins of others. One should think:

1. How can I help them?
2. I would do this quicker but I can forbear with their slowness and wait.
3. It's their choice to do something that way and it's okay if they do it that way.

She goes on to say that Jesus had to put up with more than we can ever imagine. We should work hard at having unity in our home. We should bear with one another and forgive. Do not judge motives. Be accepting of (non-sinful) differences.

Forbearance also means showing tolerance. "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:1-3

"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3: 12-13

This is a daily struggle and so very difficult. God, help us.

My Wonderful, Loving Husband

2010-11-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

My husband still does not believe he has Asperger's Syndrome. But when I shared my newfound knowledge of autism's often comorbid condition, CAPD (an auditory processing disorder which can only be diagnosed by an audiologist), he listened. And even though he did not seem to believe he had any hint of CAPD, and even though he thought it a waste of time and money, because he loves me and knew it was important to me, he agreed to go for testing.

And yes, the test results indicate that he has an auditory processing disorder. I'm not at all surprised. I think he is actually quite shocked. It may take a while to sink in, so I'd better lay low for a while and let him process.

And I gotta say that I love, love, love that he was willing to be tested for me. It means the world to me that he would do that for me. This is another strong proof that he does all that is in his power (when it comes to mind) to show that he loves me.

It has often seemed that he works harder than most people I know, in many areas. The auditory processing test results make me believe this about him at a deeper, stronger level. I think I can be more patient, more compassionate, more kind, and less critical than I have been with his slow processing and communication problems. I hope so, anyway. We shall see.

Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD)

2010-10-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been reading about Central Auditory Processing Disorder. CAPD is often a co morbid condition of autism, ADD, OCD, and more, but it can stand alone. CAPD is diagnosed by an audiologist who utilizes a variety of testing methods. First a hearing test must be conducted. Then the auditory processing testing takes place in a sound-proof booth and includes listening to different words in each ear at the same time, distinguishing between those words as well as between words with slightly different sounds, trying to understand statements while also hearing loud background noise (ex., the sounds of a crowd of people babbling), and more.

Some of the symptoms in children (as listed at http://www.capdtest.com/ ):

Frequently misunderstands oral instructions or questions
Delays in responding to oral instructions or questions
Says "Huh" or "What" frequently
Frequently needs repetition of directions or information
Frequently needs requests repetition
Has problems understanding in background noise
Is easily distracted by background noise
May have problems with phonics or discriminating speech sounds
May have poor expressive or receptive language
May have spelling, reading, and other academic problems
May have behavioral problems

It's possible that an adult who refuses to acknowledge autism or asperger's (and refuses to undergo psychological testing) might be open to being tested by an audiologist for an auditory processing disorder. A diagnosis of CAPD could be very helpful in an NT/AS relationship. Mutual understanding and acknowledgement of an underlying medical condition (especially one which could be contributing to communication problems) would be a step forward in a suffering marriage!

Theology and the Autistic Mind

2010-10-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

Much has been written about how the brilliance and logic of the autistic mind often finds a home in engineering, computing, accounting, and music. But there is little published about the autistic mind when applied to the special interest of theology.

It does seem that many Christians with Asperger's Syndrome and High Functioning Autism are drawn to Reformed theology. Reformed theology is logical, rational, and seeks to interpret the Bible with an intellectual approach, explaining what the Bible teaches within an accurate historical context. So it makes sense that when an aspie's interest is theology and religion, he could become obsessed with a branch of theology that has a very logical, rational (and often literal within the context of each text) interpretation of the Scriptures.

But within Reformed theology there is an extreme branch to which many of the most philosophical, logical, and intellectual men are particularly drawn, called Biblical Theology. It is also referred to as the Redemptive-Historical method of interpretation. This group is highly criticized for not applying the Word to the people, or "for not drawing the text into a person's world." Its opponents say it is "too theological and too intellectual for Sunday morning." For the typical man or woman in the pew, a diet of such sermons is a starvation diet as practical application of the Bible to everyday life is ignored.

People with traits of Asperger's Syndrome often have a very different way of understanding human relationships. And in theology, there could be a distinct difference in how the aspie understands both a relationship to God and the Bible's application to one's life. An aspie may thrive under Redemptive Historical teaching as it reaches his intellect like no other theology can. Aspies generally have a gift for being intrinsically motivated when they comprehend a rule or truth, so a person with strong Asperger's traits may be able to make his own sort of application from such teaching. But the typical believer is unhappy when he is unable to clearly understand how what he sees and hears applies to his personal relationship with God, the text, and others. He wants and needs to be taught how the Bible applies to him.

All this to say . . . Neuro-typical women (particularly those who are married to men with autistic traits) should be aware of the potential dangers in Redemptive Historical teaching. You may already be struggling emotionally and feeling very lonely due to autism in your home. It is probable that such preaching, and likely the leadership in such a church, won't help you. Being a member of a church which strongly adheres to "Biblical Theology" may cause a woman in an Asperger's relationship to suffer even more. Find a church with solid doctrine that also includes practical application from the Bible. You need such teaching and guidance in order to grow spiritually. Take care. Make sure you are in a church that can truly nourish your soul!

But What About All These Emotions

2010-10-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

The primary question that keeps coming back to the NT in an NT/AS relationship, is "What about all my emotions?" How to understand and deal with all the feelings that attack, confuse, and frustrate the NT on a daily basis is something I have not mastered.

I've never thought of myself as a people pleaser, codependent, or one who is easily swayed by peer pressure. But the book When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man by Edward Welch is eye-opening in its discussions of emotions and our relationship to God and man.

One helpful phrase from the book that is worth memorizing is

"Need people less, and love people more."

When I am struggling with my emotions, I reflect on those words and try to change my focus. I should need God more than I need others. I should care more what God thinks about me than what others think of me. And I should be loving toward those who do not love me back (at least in the way I expect that they should).

NT/AS Clue: In Sickness and In Sickness

2010-10-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

NT/AS Clue: When the NT is sick, the Aspie should frequently check in and see how she is and find out if she needs anything. The NT must put on a robe of forgiveness, drop all of her normal expectations, and ask for what she needs.

This seems to be a recurring theme for me, and I believe it is for many NT aspie's wives. When we are sick and are consequently ignored, all of the anger and bitterness, self-pity and loneliness, pain, and as much as I hate to admit it, what could honestly be labeled in these moments as hatred comes bubbling up to the surface.

I mistakenly thought and hoped that bad stuff in my heart was almost gone. The truth is that I have a long way to go, much to work on in myself, and times of pain, trials, and afflictions bring to light my weaknesses. The great news is that in our weakest moments, when we are at the end of ourselves and have nothing left, we know grace and the power of God to give us strength.

What can the aspie do to help his NT wife when she is ill? Try checking in with her once per hour. Ask if she needs a drink, something to eat, or some medicine. If she needs something, go and get it as quickly as you can and take it to her. Ask her how she is feeling. Tell her "I'm sorry you are sick." If you do these things, she will feel loved. If you don't do these things, she'll feel like you are treating her like dirt and she will probably be very, very angry with you. What you neglect to do can have devastating effects.

What should the NT wife do when she is sick? Drop all expectations that your aspie instinctively knows or even habitually remembers the most basic kindnesses expected when someone is ill. If you can manage to get out of bed, try to take care of yourself as best as you can. Otherwise, ask for water. Ask for medicine. Ask for soup. Pray, especially in your weakest moments, to be loving, kind, patient and forgiving. Remember that his brain doesn't naturally know these things and he is not intending to hurt you!

Learn from the hard times and make an effort to teach your aspie children the unwritten social "rules" so that they grow up knowing what is expected of them in specific scenarios like this.

Sniff. Sneeze.
And a big, big SIGH.

NT/AS Clue: Compliments

2010-09-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

NT/AS Clue: Wife needs frequent compliments in order to feel loved.

When an NT wife does not receive compliments from her spouse, she may feel like she has no more value to him than a dog or a slave. You can like a dog or a slave, and can even be very kind to and provide well for a dog or a slave. But a wife should know without a doubt that she is higher in her husband's heart than a dog or a slave!

It could make her feel loved, valued, and cherished if her husband would give her at least one compliment each week. It also means a lot when he says something praiseworthy about her to the children, and says something appreciative about her to others as he has the opportunity.

Maybe he could set aside a day of the week to be "Give Wife a Compliment" day. Saturday or Sunday would be ideal (because weekends are hard). And the more abstract and broad, the better. Example "Mmm, good potatoes" is not as complimentary to her character as "You're a good cook." In front of the children it could change to "Mommy is a good cook!" But because abstract words and generalizations may be difficult for the aspie, the NT wife may need to write out a list of compliments she particularly wishes to hear.

I know this totally goes against the grain of everything the NT believes to be 'normal' and it is painful to have to fish for compliments. But if the NT wife wants or needs compliments from her aspie spouse, this is worth doing.

The list may look like this:

1. You are a good cook.
2. You are such a kind person.
3. You are a very thoughtful person.
4. You have great organizational skills.
5. You look beautiful!
6. You make our home a lovely place to be.
7. You work so hard for our family.
8. You are a wonderful mother.

9. You are a blessing to my life.
10. You have so many strengths which help me.

When he first starts giving compliments from the list, it may sound robotic or wooden. But it is very important that she always responds to his efforts appreciatively and cheerfully. With time and practice it will come more smoothly. And he may even start coming up with praise for her on his own!

Quit, Professor Higgins

2010-09-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen the musical "My Fair Lady" with Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison, you really need to get it asap and sit down with your spouse and watch it together. It is hysterical and relevant in a "let's see the humor in the EXTREME male brain" way, too. The movie has always been one of my favorites, but I didn't connect Professor Higgins to Asperger's until recently when I read the comparison in the book "Loving Mr. Spock".

Time to re-watch it . . . this time thinking a bit more about Eliza's choice. Would I have been happier if I had married "Freddy", the sweet, sentimental sap who sings love songs and brings her flowers every day but doesn't work hard or know how to earn a living? Or do I really prefer the intelligent, successful, quirky, and clueless Professor Higgins? And why? But don't think too hard on it. It's silliness and fun, and a time to laugh, so go enjoy and find the humor in that classic example of the extreme male brain.

Here's a little clip from one of Professor Higgins' songs, "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man?"

What could've depressed her;
What could've possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic'ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can't a woman be like that?
Why does ev'ryone do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev'rything their mothers do?
Why don't they grow up- well, like their father instead?

LOL :) Enjoy!

Why Is This So Hard?

2010-09-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

There is nothing new under the sun. I suspect Asperger's has been around for several thousand years. Women have struggled to understand their husbands, to respect them, and to put up with their idiosyncrasies for many generations. Our ancestors have been where we are. But we have much more information and understanding (certainly about Asperger's) than our foremothers had even one generation ago. So why is this so hard?

I don't know! I do know that the roles in marriage were very, very different prior to the feminist revolution. The men made the money and the women took care of the children and the house. The men came home from work and probably sat in their chair, smoked a pipe, and read a book all evening while the women did everything else. He wasn't taking care of the children, and so

she wasn't upset by how he was taking care of the children. He wasn't lifting a finger to help with housework, and she wasn't disappointed by this because it wasn't expected of him. I'm not advocating we go back to these starkly contrasting gender roles, just trying to think through the differences here.

Generations ago, extended families lived nearby. I suspect most women had sisters, aunts, grandmothers, mothers, and in-law females all around them, maybe even in their own home. This provided emotional support and probably much physical help as well. Neighbors and church members were more involved in one another's lives giving encouragement, advice, and setting an example others could visibly observe.

What do we have? We have TV. Television is no help and no real picture of a functional family life either - quite the opposite, in fact. We also have the internet. We have information at our fingertips which can wisely be used to aid our understanding. We have forums and blogs which let us in to others' lives so we know we are not alone. These things can help. But technology isn't enough. So we have counselors who will listen, empathize and give us guidance.

But step back a few generations . . . it is obviously possible to survive without the knowledge of Asperger's we have now. Surely we, too, can manage a difficult marriage without paying a professional counselor. But we do need the support and counsel that is found in relationship with others. We must determine to seek it out and find it! And yes, pay for it if necessary.

Younger women desperately need older women to walk alongside them and show them how it's done, teach them what they've learned, and listen and encourage them along the way. These ladies are out there, and can often be found in the churches. But it's been so long since anyone has asked them for advice, they may be shocked at first if we do. We should do it anyway. Ask them over for tea, or take them out to lunch. Quiz and question and pull out the wisdom they've acquired over the years.

And maybe we should realize it's a fairly new thing for any husband, Asperger's or not, to be expected to fill so very much of his wife's emotional tank. Maybe in large part because we don't have the support of a community of women around us, the poor guy is expected to fill that giant emotional void all by himself.

What do we need? What do aspie's wives, in particular, need? We are emotionally and often physically exhausted. We need housecleaning help, we need babysitting help, we need cooking help (fast food/frozen food works). If it's too much for him to take on, maybe he can work more hours (or deliver pizzas) to pay for this help. Maybe we can barter with other moms for an exchange of time/babysitting/goods/talents. Mostly we need emotional support. And so we MUST regularly meet with other (preferably older) women for emotional support, making sure we are reaching out to them and picking their brains for advice on managing life.

Trying to figure this all out. It shouldn't have to be this hard.

Dwell With Them With Understanding

2010-09-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a word to the Aspie husbands who really want to be loving and understanding toward their wives. Hopefully your wife understands AS and is able to communicate her thoughts and desires to you in a way that makes sense. But if she doesn't know how to do this, you should make the first effort to find out what she wants and needs. The Bible says that husbands are responsible before God to love their wives and to dwell with them in an understanding way.

So here's something you guys can do. ASK your wife to write down five practical things you can physically do that would make her happy. It may look like this:
1. Bring me flowers.
2. Give me a compliment.
3. Ask me if I'd like to take a break/nap while you babysit the kids.
4. Give me a massage.
5. Take me on a date. Go to a movie, out to dinner, or once the kids are in bed you can bring home takeout from a nice restaurant, watch a movie, and then do the dishes.
If she won't write a list, then try ALL of these things I've suggested. At least one of them should be "her thing".

Here's the kicker. Try doing at least three things from this list every week. When she revives from the initial shock, you will likely find her warming up to you as she feels happy, cherished, and loved again. These frequent displays of love will help melt away her anger and bitterness. She will know by these varying and physical displays of affection it is better to be with you (weaknesses, frustrations and all) than to be alone.

I recently read of a man whose wife of many years died unexpectedly. He found her journals to be full of pain, frustration, and anger at the way he had treated her their entire marriage. This sent him into a deep depression, with enormous guilt causing him to ask "How could I have been so hurtful and thoughtless to my wife?" Don't be that man, finding those journals, and beating yourself up once it's too late to show love to your wife in a way that communicates love to her in her way.

You say you love her. Go find out what communicates love to her and SHOW HER . . . NOW!

Peter 3:7 "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered."

Ephesians 5:25-33: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Top Ten Survival Strategies for the Aspie's Wife

2010-09-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

As an NT in an aspergers marriage, I struggle daily. The good news is that as I learn more about AS, the struggles are lessened in severity. But when I began this journey, I had no quick-reference survival strategy to help me focus.

A year into the journey, I now have a list of the top ten most important things to remember during the difficult times. This all presupposes an acceptance that aspergers is a reality in your life (and I believe it to be ordained by God to be a part of my marriage).  Here are some practical strategies and vital points to remember, in no particular order.

1. Don't EVER talk to him while emotional (at least not until you learn how to speak his language). Take your emotions elsewhere. (I pray and journal.)

2. If you want something done quickly, do it yourself.

3. If you ever need anything, clearly say exactly what you need. Remember you cannot ask for empathy/understanding or other emotional responses.

4. If you ever want anything (including gifts), ask for exactly what you want.

5.  If you want verbal praise or compliments, write a list and ask for him to say something from the list. Ask him to do this on a regular basis.

6. Deal with the anger and bitterness in your heart. Whether you realize it or not, it is there. You probably have anger toward him and at God.

7. Study forgiveness. Learn what it truly means to forgive and to be forgiven. Then forgive daily, 500 times per day, if necessary.

8. Make a list of his strengths. Be thankful and express appreciation for them.

9. Read the list of his strengths and remember why you married him.

10. Show him respect in your tone of voice, in your words to him, and in the way you talk about him to others. Pray to be able to respect him in your heart.

In the beginning of understanding Aspergers Syndrome and how it affects your marriage, the emotions are simply overwhelming. It's nearly impossible to think or to act rationally during this time. I hope these clear-cut steps give you some helpful direction during those "how do I survive" moments.  Keep in mind that as you learn more about AS, and learn how to communicate in aspie language, things will get better. It can get better than it is right now. You have to take one day at a time.

Relapses Recur

2010-09-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

Relapses recur. Even when communication patterns have been going smoothly for a while, the NT will face a scenario which makes her emotional. She will forget about waiting until she is calm and rational to continue a discussion. She may even "go there" and attempt to explain her feelings and her desire to connect on an emotional level. It can spiral into a long, drawn out conversation that will never go anywhere productive and will leave her sobbing in the closet.

When this happens, especially if the aspie is still in denial that there is anything different about his way of thinking, the NT may question her sanity. This is when positive Aspergers forums are the most help. At www.delphiforums.com under the forum "AS and Relationships That Work" there is a sidebar link called "From Loneliness to Balance". You can there read posts that are likely to mirror exactly what you are feeling. But better than that, you will be encouraged that it can get better.

Drill, drill, drilling this into memory.... I must give up all efforts to show aspie spouse my emotional pain. Unless I can tell him a practical way to help me, there is only more pain to be found in sharing my emotions with him.

But it's okay. This is normal in an NT/AS relationship. Relapses will recur. The great news and hope is that as we learn to communicate better, these relapses will become less and less frequent.

NT/AS Clue: The "Trigger Phrase"

2010-08-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

NT/AS Clue: Agree on a "Trigger Phrase" that is code for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of you are calm.

Scenario:
NT shares her heart.
AS either says the wrong thing or nothing at all.
NT gets angry.
AS gets defensive.
ALL OUT WAR.

However, if the NT/AS couple have an agreed on "trigger phrase" that means all communication on that topic must immediately cease, there can be peace.

New Scenario:
NT is sad, angry, etc.
AS defensively says "What's wrong? or What did I do now?"
NT feels emotion welling up, but says the trigger phrase instead.
AS recognizes trigger phrase and stops talking (no questioning or following out of the room allowed).
PEACE.

Or it may look like this:
NT is ranting and raving at the aspie.
AS says the trigger phrase.
NT stops talking.
PEACE.

Granted, this is severe and merely a temporary solution, because it does not bring final resolution. But until the new patterns of NT/AS communication can be successfully and rationally employed, the trigger phrase can be used to bring peace ("Cease Fire"). This time allows the NT the ability to "cool down" and be rational and allows the aspie time to let down some defenses that have become his automatic protective measures.

Examples of trigger phrases: "Let's wait." "Let's talk later." "Let's take a break." "Let's stop." Whatever you both agree on can work.

Note: The aspie must understand that the phrase is not to be taken literally. Otherwise he may refuse to use it, because he may not ever want to "talk later" about the topic! :) He must know that it is simply code for "let's stop and both calm down." Sometimes, once emotions are calm, one may realize the issue wasn't that important anyway and it may never need to come up again. If it does need to be discussed later, true progress can be made only while calm and rational anyway. This is a win-win situation.

Most Importantly:
It is absolutely vital that each partner agrees to take responsibility to both use and adhere to the agreed upon trigger phrase if they ever want to see improvement in their relationship.

Aspies Have Feelings, Too.

2010-08-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

It's true. Aspies have feelings, too, and their feelings can get hurt. But because they don't know how to verbalize and express their feelings well (especially in times of stress), we NT wives may think our aspie spouses are made of stone. And so we might treat them as if they are made of stone. Anger, yelling, and long emotional monologues about unmet needs and deep unhappiness are all attacks to the aspie. These attacks must stop.

We must realize there could be much tension, confusion, depression, or even despair going on internally for the aspie. He may be thinking such things as "What did I do now? Why is she upset about something so trivial? Doesn't she know how hard I am trying? Every attempt I make is unappreciated. Nothing makes her happy. She makes no sense!" He feels attacked. Anger and bitterness take root in his heart. His first response becomes defensive. He may withdraw, retreat, and put up a wall to protect himself. This is his necessary self-preservation as he sees no other alternative that will work.

Walls like this can take a long time to break down. Diagnosis of Aspergers sometimes starts the process. But if he is unwilling to learn anything about AS, it has to start with a "Cease Fire" on the part of the NT.

The NT must realize the hidden pain her aspie spouse feels. She must learn to STOP her emotional outbursts. She must learn not to communicate until and unless she can be calm and rational. But the NT cannot all of a sudden develop super-human self-control over her emotions. And so the aspie must agree to help her learn better self-control over her emotions. This can be done if each partner agrees to use and adhere to a "trigger phrase" that serves as a code word for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of them are calm. Once they are both calm, the conversation can resume.

The time of "Cease Fire" will allow the aspie time to safely come out of hiding and eventually he should be ready and able to learn, with her help, a new pattern of communicating with his NT wife. Be patient, but know there is hope. You will begin to see your aspie soften toward you. He will become less defensive as he feels more safe. And this is real progress. One step at a time.

Proverbs 31 and the Aspie's Wife

2010-08-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

Wives of aspies are helpers who take on more responsibility than most of the women they know. This can be burdensome and difficult. But chances are the aspie chose a strong, independent woman. He was probably attracted to her courage and skillful independence, as well as to her strong gift of compassion.

Christian women, take heart! Proverbs 31, which describes the "virtuous wife" is here describing you.

10 [c] A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

He trusts you to take care of the house, the children, the bills, etc. He trusts you! You bring peace to him and make him feel safe. He is lacking nothing. You are doing great and godly work and it is called "work" for a reason. It is not easy.

Some Christians, particularly those in conservative circles who hold fast to the ideas of headship and submission, may judge you harshly. It sometimes appears to outsiders that the aspie's wife is the "head" of the household due to her many responsibilities. And the aspie's wife may particularly struggle to respect her husband when she falls into the thinking that she is in the role of caretaker, mother, teacher, and doctor to her spouse. She must carefully guard against self-pitying thoughts, always remembering to "see to it that she respect her own husband." This aspergers husband is the one the Lord has given her.
Look again at Proverbs 31 and reflect on this:

12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

This Proverbs 31 woman was praised by her children and her husband.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

Sadly, this highlights a particular sting for the wife of an aspie. She is working, so very hard, to care for her aspergers spouse, and the house, and the children, and her own emotional needs, etc. But he honestly doesn't comprehend how much she is doing and how well she is doing this. He needs to be taught the importance of giving her verbal praise, and he needs to be taught how to give it. That will be the subject of another post.

Ladies, I pray we will each be encouraged and continue doing this good and God-fearing work, as unto the Lord, for His glory.
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Aspies, Affection and Connection

2010-08-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

The Bible tells us that Jacob had two wives, but Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. I asked my aspie spouse what he thought the difference was in Jacob loving Rachel more than Leah. There was nothing in his response about "connection" or anything about "feeling" more for her. He perceives the difference was only in his actions. He said the difference must be that he "showed more affection to Rachel in some way."

How do aspies understand and express affection and connection?
1. Like-mindedness and agreement is "connection".
2. Being in the same space (same room, even if not talking) is expressing affection. Wanting the person to be in the same space is connection.
3. Physical touch can be his way of expressing affection and connection.
4. Doing things for someone (ex., helping around the house) is expressing affection.

In the movie Adam, the AS man explains what it means when he says he loves the (NT) woman as wanting her with him and needing her to help him. "I'd be lost without you" is an expression of how much value and love is felt by the aspie toward his spouse. We need to understand that this is not a negative thing. The Bible says that God made Eve to be Adam's helpmeet. It was not good for Adam to be alone, and so he made a woman suitable for him. Maybe for wives of aspies, we have a little deeper understanding of what it means to fulfill that helper role to our particular husbands.

I hope Christian wives of aspies will be encouraged that you, with your particular strengths and gifts, were created as a suitable helper for your husband. And even though he may not feel connection as emotionally as you do, that doesn't mean there is not true love there. He probably deeply values you and loves you for the help that you are to him, even if he does not communicate it in the way you desire.

Future post will explore ways to help him learn to express this love in a way that communicates it better to an NT.

NT/AS Clue: If You Want Something Done Right Away

2010-08-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

NT/AS Clue: If you want something done right away, just do it yourself! If you want something done right, ask your aspie to do it.

One of my NT expectations that I have had to let go is wanting things done quickly by my aspie spouse. Whether it be answering a question, taking out the garbage, or even chasing the toddler before he runs into the street, you must drop the expectation for the aspie to respond quickly. He probably cannot do it. In his mind, he may think he's responding quickly enough. But it's likely that he is not. So stop expecting him to respond quickly. Definitely stop demanding that he respond quickly. Make it your goal to be okay with the fact that this is something he simply cannot do.

If you want something done right away, just do it yourself. Granted, this is difficult when you have the flu and you've asked for a drink of water. You may need to hire some help or beg friends/family to come by if you're really ill or recovering from surgery. But if your very first instinct when you want something done immediately or even quickly can become to do it yourself, you will be a much happier person in an NT/AS relationship.

Now, don't give up asking him to help altogether. If you want something done right, in many cases (at least in my relationship), it's best to ask your aspie to do it. He will devote much time (hours, days, possibly weeks) to performing the task with excellence. He will pay attention to detail and the job will be done, often to perfection. My husband will follow the pattern of the hardwoods when cleaning the floors, so corners I never hit will be cleaned well! This kind of attention to detail and dedication to excellence takes time. So don't ask for his help if you're not willing for it to take (sometimes a lot) of time.

Attraction to Aspergers

2010-08-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

Looking around with my new understanding of Aspergers, I find I am surrounded by aspies. I have had relationships with aspies in the past. And currently I can detect Aspergers in the family tree (both sides, I now suspect), amongst some of my friends, and scattered throughout members of my church. This "being surrounded" is not by accident, either. I believe I am attracted to people with Asperger's Syndrome.

I admire people who have high intellect and value hard work and loyalty. Discussions of theology are something I can enjoy for hours on end, even when I don't get many words in myself. Humor that involves puns and plays-on-words makes me laugh out loud.

So there. I'm admitting it to you, and most importantly, to myself. I like aspies. I really, really do.

Don't Lose Hope

2010-08-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

The most discouraging (okay, devastating) thing when an NT woman first begins to understand Asperger's is that she begins to lose all hope. Any hope she had for change in her partner disappears and so she loses all hope for positive change in the relationship.

Biblical counsel says "Love always hopes. You can't lose hope!" But what the suffering spouse must understand and the counselor must point out in order to truly help their counselee, is that with autism in the mix, the spouse must change what she hopes for. She cannot hope he will be a Neuro-typical ("normal") person. She cannot hope her relationship will ever look like she always believed it would/should/could. But there is most certainly hope, and this includes hope for better communication between them.

She absolutely can, with a lot of dedication and work, learn the language of Asperger's. It won't ever be instinctual to her, because she is wired with a different first language. But as she begins to learn and conversationally use this new language (which uses English words but applies totally different meanings to many of those words), she will be able to communicate with her aspie spouse in a way she never has before. Finally speaking his native language, she can then (and likely only then) be able to help him learn hers (and thus he will come to learn more about her).

There really, truly is hope for an NT/AS relationship. And this hope includes being able to better communicate with one another.

"Love always hopes." 1 Corinthians 13

NT/AS Clue: "I Understand."

2010-08-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

NT/AS Clue:
Even though what is being said won't have the same meaning to each of us, that's okay. The words the NT wants to hear are not taken literally by the NT. If verbal expressions of empathy are memorized and applied by the aspie, it can bring peace in our communication with one another.

*NT to Aspie:
When you say "I know that" (when I am sharing my thoughts/feelings with you), it makes me feel angry. It would make me feel calm if you would say the words "I understand."

Optional further explanation:
"I know that" sounds combative and defensive to my brain and "I understand" sounds like caring and empathy to me.

*Disclaimer for this and all future shared clues: These words will not be healing balms for all NT/AS people. But it sure works for me!

Explaining NT Feelings: Conversational Algebra for Asperger's

2010-08-23T03:53:00.000-07:00

To explain your feelings in a way your aspie can better understand, try using this algebraic equation:

When you A , it makes me feel ____B___. It would make me feel ____X__ if you would ____Y_______.

REMEMBER: "Y" must equal a practical, rational thing that can be done by an aspie. It cannot be an abstract thing like "show me empathy, understanding" and the like.

An Aspie's Wife's Prayer

2010-08-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

Sundays are the hardest day of the week for many spouses of aspies. Some women complain of being "stuck" with their AS husband on the weekends. I cry more on Sundays. I hurt more on Sundays. I face more conflict on Sundays. And so I pray more on Sundays.

And as it is The Lord's Day/the Christian Sabbath, I ought to be praying more anyway. I believe I ought not to be thinking about myself at all, but on the things of God, by praying and reading his Word, the Bible.
___________________________
An Aspie's Wife's Prayer

God, help me to accept what will never change about my Aspie.

Give me the strength to change my NT expectations for our relationship.

And grant me wisdom to understand the ways you have wired us so differently.
___________________________
These simple truths below, taken from the "First Catechism" for children, should be remembered when we become angry about Asperger's affecting our loved ones:
Who made you? God.
What else did God make? God made all things.
Why did God make you and all things? For his own glory.

God made me. God made him. God made Asperger's. Why did God make me, him, and Asperger's? For his own glory.

To God be the glory.
Amen.

A Fresh Start in an NT/AS Relationship

2010-08-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I've accepted how things really are. I have a new understanding and a realization that there is much more to learn. At this point all the growth, effort, and responsibility is completely on me as he is not yet ready to acknowledge anything.

I've read how important it is to "plant seeds" for an aspie when it comes to major issues that you want to discuss. This means that you make a brief comment about the issue, so he will have time to let it take root for a while. Then you can come back and water it a little at a time--sometimes over the course of a very long time. And this requires much patience.

So I've told my spouse that we need to make a time to discuss the communication patterns in our relationship. When he's had time to digest that bit of information, we will actually get together and talk about it.

One step at a time. This can't be a huge, long, detailed monologue about my emotions and unmet needs. I need to be concise about a single issue at a time.
More details will follow in a future post. I intend to discuss these "nuts and bolts" of navigating the communication battles under the category Specific Scenarios. I glean the most help from the practical applications and shared experiences I learn about from others. They make all the diagnostic criteria come alive and make me truly understand how Aspergers affects me. I hope these posts can help someone else out there. Know that you are not alone!

Acceptance of Aspergers

2010-08-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

No, my husband is not accepting that he has Aspergers. But I think maybe I finally am.  By that I mean that I am moving beyond the grief, anger, and disappointment that has lasted over a year and am ready to make serious changes in myself to make our marriage a happier one.

The grief and barrage of negative emotions is very real and I believe must be worked through. Acknowledging to yourself that you are disappointed but are still committed to the relationship is so important. You can then get to the point where you know certain things will never be a part of your marriage and you can strive to enjoy the good and learn to best deal with the rest.

So all those logical steps we read about for communicating with an aspie begin to be more than just words on a page. It finally makes sense when one embraces that:

1. He speaks a totally different language. He really does! So if you want to communicate with him, learn his language! Maybe he's not attempting to learn yours, but you can still try to learn his. Blogs and forums that share first-hand experience and insights are invaluable helps.

2. He needs for you to love him his way. If you are calm, happy, and not very emotional, you will make him feel safe, secure, and happy. This means that you need to take care of yourself. Find ways to relax. Make sure you have an outlet to chat with other NTs, and learn to be a happy person without relying on him to meet any of your emotional needs.

3. You must avoid the NT communication patterns of long talks about your emotions. Don't keep going on and on, don't get louder, and don't show anger expecting that he will understand you mean business about being really hurt. NTs will "get" that. Your aspie will just be frustrated and he will NOT "get" it. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP talking and don't continue the discussion again until you can be calm, rational, and concise with every sentence.

4.  You should be thankful for the way he shows love to you. It may be often overlooked as it is expressed daily, maybe in seemingly small ways. It may never be verbalized. But it is there if you look hard enough. Be thankful and express appreciation.

5. You may find that he brings out the worst in you. The reality is "out of the overflow of our hearts, our mouths speak." The ugliness you are seeing is there and likely has always been there, though previously it may have been hidden to you and others. He may be the instrument God is using to show it to you, so that you can grow and become a better person!

It is vitally important to realize that you have had lots of NT expectations of what makes a good relationship. And now you have to let those expectations go and accept that this is a whole new ballgame.  This NT/AS relationship is very different and always will be different from what you've understood relationships to be like. But your relationship with your AS spouse can be rewarding and fulfilling if you are willing to work on yourself (and stop trying to work on him) to make it so.

A Positive Aspergers Forum

2010-08-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

I just discovered a very positive and encouraging forum for both NTs and Aspies at Delphi Forums. It is called "AS and Their Partners". Another is "AS and Relationships That Work". They don't allow the typical AS husband-bashing I've found on other forums, and there are many posts with enlightening comments and strategies for overcoming communication problems.

Biblical Counsel for the Suffering Spouse

2010-08-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

If you are a Christian woman and are suffering in your marriage, you need to buy the book "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. Mrs. Peace is a Biblical Counselor. This book is full of godly advice, much of which you would receive if you were actually meeting with a biblical counselor. It's not an easy read, but it is an excellent quick reference. While in the midst of your pain, you can immediately turn to chapters such as "The Wife's Loneliness", "The Wife's Anger", and "The Wife's Sorrow", and receive counsel which will help you turn your ungodly thinking toward more godly thoughts.

Some examples from a chart in "The Wife's Sorrow" chapter contrasting our Sinful Actions with Godly Actions:

1. Instead of outbursts of anger, the godly wife should realize her anger will not achieve God's purposes. She should think long and hard about how to biblically answer.

2. Instead of telling herself 'This is more than I can stand,', she should think 'This feels like more than I can stand, but God will help me get through it.' 1 Corinthians 10:13.

There are numerous charts like this in the book and I find them to be extremely helpful. It's comforting to both know I'm not crazy for thinking some of the thoughts listed (and some of them are extreme!), and to be directed toward more godly thinking and responses when I have such thoughts. I hope you find this resource helpful, especially if you are not able to actually meet one-on-one with a godly biblical counselor. This book really is the next best thing!

Math Curriculum for Asperger's

2010-06-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

My daughter has struggled with basic math for several years. She can memorize facts, but I could tell nothing was clicking for her. This year we found Math-U-See and now math is no longer a dreaded subject. Math-U-See has not only made math fun and easy to learn, but it is beginning to click and be understood by my daughter who has Asperger's / High Functioning Autism.

Why Divorce is Not an Option

2010-06-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

It seems fairly common for women suffering from emotional neglect in aspergers marriages to get a separation or divorce. But because of my faith and Christian worldview, divorce is unequivocally not an option for me in this scenario.

The short answer to the why behind that statement is that God hates divorce. Unless there is adultery, abandonment, or abuse involved, the Bible does not allow for divorce. I don't believe emotional neglect is abuse, though I do believe there is a such thing as emotional abuse, evidenced in such things as yelling, swearing, name-calling, and the like. The Bible calls one who divorces without biblical grounds an adulterer.

More practical details are that the children would indeed suffer more from us getting a divorce than they would from our staying together. There are many, many good things in our life and overall we have a happy family. We have security, stability, dedication and loyalty, and more. If you come into our home you will hear loud, joyful laughter more often than not.

Just because deep down "mama ain't happy" doesn't mean "ain't nobody happy." Mama needs to work out her unhappiness, yes. But without God's blessing, mama ain't gonna be happy. Not married, not in an affair, not alone, not anywhere! And God will not bless me in an unbiblical divorce.

My biblical counselor has told me that emotional discouragement is spiritual warfare. The enemy of the Christian faith wants us to dwell in anger, bitterness, and discouragement so that our lives and our families and our witness will be destroyed. We are to fight such feelings with prayer, with faith, with hope, with love, with knowing and using the 'sword of the Spirit', which is the Word of God, the Bible.

It's a battle. It's a daily struggle. I'm in the midst of the batttle, wavering and weak. But I am determined to fight for my family and to fight for my faith. And my faith comforts me with who will eventually (and eternally!) win.

Even when I am most sad and lonely, I can sing with my children because I know it to be true . . . "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so."

Roses and Cacti: An NT/Asperger Relationship

2010-06-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

"Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2000 Marguerite Long"

The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.

I see people with Asperger's Syndrome (aspies) as cacti, which are soft and vulnerable inside - but very soon in life they develop very cruel prickles to protect themselves from painful contacts with neurotypicals (NTs). Aspies belong in the desert. They are happy there. Occasionally they bloom - and it is so wonderful they light up the whole desert - but it is short-lived. Being natives of the desert they have the ability to withstand long periods of drought. When water is available they absorb it quickly and store it in their fleshy stems for times of need.

Cacti have a right to be cacti, and to live in the desert, and to have prickles.

I see neurotypicals as roses. The roots of roses must not be allowed to dry out. They need to be in a rose garden where they can constantly connect with other roses and be watered, fed and mulched. They need to be protected from the fierce heat of the desert and from shredding desert sandstorms. Most roses do not survive in the desert. The ones that do mostly become stunted, lose their flowers, develop larger ugly thorns, move into denial and often need medication. Medicated roses no longer see the harshness of the desert.

When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain to the cactus that it needs rose food, the cactus will look out from the comfort of its stored reserves and ignore the rose. This is a form of passive aggression. As the roses's needs become desperate and the rose becomes increasingly demanding, the cactus can escalate to mental and emotional abuse in his lack of understanding of the rose's needs. The cactus does not mind if others are present - adding public humiliation to his abuse of the rose. When the pain of deprivation takes the rose beyond the boundaries of caution and reason, the cactus may escalate to door-slamming and physical abuse. The abused, starving rose retreats and grows a little more stunted and ugly.

Aspies do not understand that roses need rose food (emotional connection, tender loving care, appreciation, communication, time out for chatting complete with an emotional component, understanding, romance, etc.) Cactus food cannot nourish, or even sustain, a rose.

Aspies can only provide cactus food. When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain that it needs rose food, the cactus will not understand and may call the rose "selfish" and "ungrateful". In the desert, with a prickly cactus, is a scary place for a rose to be. The rose will be deprived of intimate emotional connection, communication and love. Home-making will become a nightmare, because the cactus in his desert environment has no need for all the finishing touches that a rose would consider essential in her rose garden.

If a rose tries to bloom in the desert, the petals will be shredded by the merciless onslaught of the most ferocious desert sandstorms. In the process of desperately trying to provide myself with some mulch, water and food, I have mapped out a basic survival plan for a rose living in the desert with a cactus.

Survival plan for roses
1. Encouragement

When I have any sort of a petal on my rose at all that has not been shredded in a recent sandstorm, I try to apply myself to encouraging and acknowledging the strengths in my aspie cactus.

The soft, vulnerable part of the aspie is very receptive to praise and compliments and appreciation (like we all are, but I have found them to be more so). He has many good points. The problem is that the cruel sandstorms and the empty spareness of the desert have so stunted and shredded the rose that is me, that mostly I cannot even enjoy the good points. Nevertheless, I have found that encouragement and appreciation cause him to bloom in a very special way.

2. Quick forgiveness
There will be no remorse or apologies on the part of the cactus, because it only sees that it has been unfairly attacked and that the rose is ungrateful and too demanding. Eventually the rose has to find a way to forgive and keep going. This is survival because bitterness only hurts the rose and the cactus won't notice whether the rose is bitter or not.

3. A whole-body exerciser
Some means of exhausting the physical body is pretty much an essential first-aid emergency treatment for the larger, cruel, shredding, searing desert sandstorms. The clue is to stay with the exercise until the tears come. This is exhausting but healing and needs to be followed by step four.

4. A good book and a video
Roses need these as a first-aid measure to take the mind and emotions out of the desert and back into some sort of rose-garden environment.

5. Good friends.
Understanding friends are the remedy for the loneliness and the isolation of the desert. The problem is, to have a good friend you have to be a good friend. That is a very difficult thing to do for a stunted, shredded rose who is unwell through humiliation and lack of rose food. Internet support groups like FAAAS can be life preserving and a privilege at times like this.

6. Telephone counseling services that run 24 hours a day.
These are valuable for the desperate loneliness that hits around midnight and after. Just to hear another voice that is caring, accepting and non-judgmental does wonders.

7. Rose food

Roses have to supply their own. This is difficult when the cactus controls the budget and sees rose food as wasteful and extravagant. Gardening, reading, writing, painting, knitting, crocheting and loving chats with neighbours can often be invisibly worked into a desert budget.

8. Sleep
A cactus can be asleep within minutes of a desert sandstorm. A rose, however, will be hurting and desperate and may need to work through points three and four above.

9. Summary
The cactus is in the desert and easily survives the sandstorms. The rose cannot survive the shredding without lots of insight and protective measures on hand. Even then it is tough going!

Regarding marriage
Cacti have areas of brilliance that become their obsessions. Common obsessions are computers, technology, engineering and religion. Sometimes a male aspie will turn his obsessive interests towards a female neurotypical.

A cactus in full bloom is magnificent and very difficult for a rose to resist. At this early stage of the relationship the rose has not experienced, or been shredded by, the desert sandstorms - and has not been stunted by the emptiness and lack of nurture and food. The early cactus bloom stage may last some time (particularly if there are no children and the rose is financially independent).

However, the rose is now in the desert - and the desert does not sustain it. The wilt is inevitable. I am sorry to have to say it.

Many of the neurotypical women most likely to end up married to aspies had aspie fathers so the awful feelings of abuse and loneliness seem normal to them and almost comfortable because these feelings are so familiar.

Invisible wheelchairs
To a neurotypical, an aspie may seem emotionally disabled. Many people marry severely disabled people (such as quadriplegics) and with a lot of support and help manage to live reasonable lives. The difference here is that the quadriplegic knows he has the disability. Aspies mostly do not recognize their disability and mostly they judge the emotional interactions of neurotypical people as weakness and lack of self-discipline. Also, as you push around the quadriplegic's wheelchair people generally will make way for you, support you, even probably smile and affirm that you are doing a good job.

When a rose marries a cactus, the rose may come to feel that she is pushing an invisible wheelchair -on her own- without support and without help. People cannot "see" an invisible wheelchair, so the rose often may feel uncomfortable, even humiliated, when out in public with the cactus. In addition to this there may be a strong chance that offspring from this marriage could also be cacti. From the rose's perception - this amounts to more invisible wheelchairs.

Raising baby cacti
It is my opinion that young aspie cacti need people of insight to go in to bat for them. They need a kindly advocate. They are soft and vulnerable and do not yet have their protective prickles established.

I believe that whenever possible the young aspie's obsessions or "special interests" (and they may change as they get older) need to be nurtured and supported. These special interests are often computing, engineering, mathematics and science.

If the young aspie can be led into earning a living from his area of "special interest", I believe he will be content and functional in his world as an adult.

It is my belief however, from observation and experience, that this state of contentment and stability will be completely destroyed if he chooses to marry a neurotypical.

I believe the different brain patterns in people with Asperger's Syndrome do not allow for functional social interaction except on a very surface, factual level. I believe the aspie can be trained to say the right things at the right time, but have found that does not supply the emotional connection that is necessary for intimate relationships with neurotypicals.

Baby roses in the desert
Perhaps two cacti may exist happily together in the desert. However, think of the consequences of two cacti producing a baby rose. The baby rose, without any intention or effort from the cacti, would be subject to emotional deprivation and would be shredded in the desert. It is likely it would grow up stunted, without flowers and with very large thorns. Then it would look more like a cactus than a rose and would not fit into, or be accepted by, the rose garden.

Ultimately, the stunted, cactus-like rose would probably attract to itself another cactus rather than a rose. Unwittingly, then the rose would place itself in a marriage where all the pain, and more, of the rose's childhood would be revisited.

I wonder how many roses that are married to a cactus were in fact brought up by at least one cactus parent?

Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2000 Marguerite Long

This revised edition of Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2003

Marguerite Long, Email author marguerite@rosesandcacti.com

The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.

The Wilted Rose

2010-06-01T04:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a hard week. Since my husband doesn't know what to do to cheer me up (and doesn't see that I need cheering up in the first place), I sent him an email grocery list with only one item on it: "pretty flowers for the wife."

That evening when he walked in the door, he was grinning ear to ear. He proudly handed me a bunch of wilted, decaying roses. I cheerfully smiled and said 'thank you.'

And then I spent the next several minutes peeling off layers of ugly, wilted petals in search of some sort of loveliness underneath.

The symbolism astounds me.

I am a wilted rose in this asperger marriage. And my aspie husband doesn't even see it. And there are layers of ugliness in our marriage. But if I work hard enough and put in lots of extra effort, I can find some loveliness buried down deep.

Cracking Up

2010-04-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

After telling a story about something so funny it made the person "crack up," my daughter asked if the person really got cracks in them. "No, it's just an expression that means you laugh really hard." Still looking puzzled, she said . . . "yeah, I thought so."

Recently during her speech therapy they worked on the meanings of several different expressions. And I am very thankful that our insurance is covering the sessions now (her doctor filled out a 'medical necessity' form).

"Asperger Moments"

2010-04-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

A quote worth memorizing:

"Even at the most painful moments, try to detach and see the 'Asperger Moment' for what it is -- a statement of fact, not emotion."

from the 2009 book Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Saving You and Your Relationship by Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D.

Understanding Reality for an Aspie's Wife

2010-04-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

The "Going Over the Edge" book has sparked some serious contemplation.

+Detachment is reality. There won't be an emotional connection in the marriage and the NT has to accept that. You won't get many compliments or much praise or appreciation. Your emotional state will not be comprehended and your needs will not be understood unless you explicity state them. He doesn't have those abilities and you cannot change him!

+You may find yourself making excuses to "cover" for your spouse's inabilities. (I believe it's best to only say things that are edifying about others. But this is a real challenge with certain AS situations. I aim to pray for wisdom and be 'slow to speak'.)

+You can love him even when he is "cold". Know that he does love you. He does care. He is just "cold". That's the way God made him. Be thankful for the ways he does show love (ex., providing for the family).

+Everything happens for a reason. Don't feel sorry for yourself or your children. You (and your children) can grow in wisdom and strength through the challenges that come from having autism in the family.

The book faces reality and yet is encouraging at the same time. Ouch, and yay.

Helpful Asperger Marriage Book

2010-04-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

If you are an NT married to a spouse with Asperger's and want to read something that lets you know you are not alone, check out "Going Over the Edge" by Kathy Marshack.

This easy read is filled with real-life examples, true stories, and helpful, positive suggestions for handling difficult situations. How nice to find something encouraging to read about life with aspies!

Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage

2010-02-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

I just read a book that could be appropriately titled "Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage." It actually never mentions aspergers or autism, but it has a chapter that deals with living with a spouse who has "limited capacities" in the areas of intellect, emotions, social situations, and more. The majority of the book deals with the disappointment in one's heart and how to not merely survive, but thrive in life despite a difficult marriage.

The book is called "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" and is written by two Christian psychologist brothers named Misja. I cannot recommend it strongly enough for anyone struggling in a difficult marriage.

Just a few of the excellent points the authors make are listed here:

* Understand what your spouse is unable to give. He cannot give what he doesn't have.

* He may also be limited in what he is able to receive from you.

* Suffering due to a spouse with limitations is real but of a different nature than pain felt from a rejecting or dangerous mate.

* Many 'limited' spouses have paid the price for their lack of ability by having to hear accusations of being uncaring, irresponsible, or selfish.

*Recognizing and accepting these deficits is crucial to a healthy marriage.

* Allow your heart to have no criticism, no tolerance for anger or bitterness, no negative talk about spouse, no using the kids, no whining.

* Give up all efforts to show your spouse your pain.

* Give up all efforts to change your spouse.

* Do not interpret spouse's actions negatively.

* Practice forgiveness as a way of life.

* Keep your heart alive.

* Don't draw attention to what doesn't happen in your marriage. Instead, figure out areas where you can connect well and enjoy those times as you embrace what is possible.

* Refuse to make him pay for not being able to engage and connect in other areas.

These are just a few points the authors expound on throughout the book. I hope you find it as helpful as I have!

Holidays with Aspie In-Laws

2009-12-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

Family gatherings with the aspie side of the family can be extremely difficult for me. But with this newfound understanding of autism, I was able to approach a recent get-together with better understanding and less expectations.

I prayed hard prior to the event. Trying to figure out the best way to approach it all, I convinced myself to view it as going into another culture. As a missionary has to learn the ways and customs and language of another culture, so I had to realize that the aspies in the family are an entirely different people group even though they look the same as everyone else.

This meant that I remember in this culture the people will likely not volunteer to help with the dishes or other chores. They will probably not show any interest in my thoughts or health or anything about me. I will likely not be considered at all. And so I take the role of the servant, helping and working, all the while attempting to carry conversation by asking questions (otherwise all they do is stare at the television the entire time).

Christians are commanded to consider others above themselves and to serve and love one another. Well, in this case it's all one-sided, but whether they obey the commands or not, I am still called to!

It's always painful to be around the aspie side of the family, but this time was better. Lower expectations and a focus on serving others (without expecting any hint of appreciation or thoughtfulness in return) made it easier to get through. I am so grateful for knowledge of autism and asperger's. It is a huge relief to believe they are not hateful, selfish people who don't care two straws about me--they just don't know how (and it never enters their minds) to communicate otherwise.

When the Aspie Doesn't Respond in Conversation

2009-12-02T04:32:00.000-08:00

For many years I have struggled when my aspie spouse totally ignores something I have said to him. I may make a comment or ask a question and get absolutely no response. No nod, no glance, no verbal acknowledgement that I have spoken or that I even exist. My angry response to this is usually "Could you treat me like I'm a human and acknowledge that I'm speaking to you?!" Ummm . . . no, he can't. He doesn't think about it. He doesn't think about it at all. He sometimes doesn't think about me, at all. OUCH.

After searching asperger's forums I found that I was not alone in this. Aspies don't always know how to respond, so they simply don't. Especially if the discussion is heated, if the tone is emotional, or if he is distracted.

I've been pondering the command to repay evil with good, and to bless and not curse enemies when they hurt you. It's important to distinguish the evil from the person. My husband is not evil, and is not an evil person. The 'evil' that hurts me so much here is the autism, which honestly, he cannot help.

Another example is with a female relative of his who does not respond to my efforts in communication. I have written snail mail, shared photos of the children, emailed questions, and shared things about our family. Typically I get zero response. Not even a reply via email to specific questions I have asked. I sometimes say "I'm not sure your email is getting to you as I've sent several with no response." And then I ask the question again. When she does (rarely) respond to my questions, she responds with short bulleted answers. There is no greeting, closing, or personal word (not even a signature of her name at the bottom of the email). This used to be a slap in the face to me. Every effort seems to be in vain to try and build a relationship with her. She must hate me and not want anything to do with me, I would think. But then this understanding of autism surfaced. Now I am determined to keep trying even though I get nothing in return.

This 'evil' is painfully hard to handle. How am to I respond to this sometimes 'evil' aspect of autism with good? I need to be understanding, compassionate, encouraging. I need to keep my tone level and unemotional. I need to be patient and wait much longer than is considered reasonable to an NT for a response, patiently asking again if I really need an answer. All of which is impossible in my own strength. But God's grace is perfected in my weakness.

And these are very, very, difficult lessons to learn.

Biblical Counseling and Asperger's Syndrome

2009-10-23T12:28:00.001-07:00

As my Asperger's journey continues, I am finally finding a few truly helpful answers to my nearly overwhelming struggles. Recently, I received an abundance of counsel as I sought help from Biblical Counseling. (If you are unfamiliar with that term, it refers to the branch of Christian counseling that is nouthetic and seeks to direct counselees directly to the Bible for answers to their problems. You can go to http://www.nanc.org/ and then click on the right sidebar to find a counselor in your area. Sometimes the counsel is provided free of charge through a church, though not always.) Biblical counseling can be painful, but I believe it quickly gets to the root of most problems so that the counselee gets the true help they need.

I will start with posting a few of the resources that have recently made the strongest impact on me. Maybe I can elaborate further another time.

*In dealing with the anger, pain, and bitterness I have experienced in relationship to the aspies in my life, the most help has come from reading (and re-reading) Lou Priolo's booklet "Bitterness: the Root that Pollutes" http://www.prpbooks.com/ This is a small pamphlet-type booklet that is packed with gems that will convict, challenge, and give you clear direction when facing the most difficult of situations with the most difficult people/enemies in your life.

*For Christian wives of aspies, please read "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace (Focus Publishing). It's not an easy read as it seems more like a biblical commentary than a marriage book, but there are chapters on living with a difficult husband that will help you turn your depressing thoughts toward more godly thinking.
*For husbands of aspies, the complementary book is called "The Exemplary Husband" by Stuart Scott. I haven't read it, so if you do, please let me know what you think. I suspect it will help you to love your difficult wife as the Bible commands you to do.

*For biblically parenting a child with Asperger's, read "Finding Your Child's Way on the Autism Spectrum: Discovering Unique Strengths, Mastering Behavior Challenges" by Dr. Laura Hendrickson. Dr. Hendrickson is a biblical counselor, a former psychiatrist, and the mom to an autistic son. If you are familiar with "Shepherding a Child's Heart" then you will understand what I mean by saying "This is like Shepherding an Autistic Child's Heart." A great little book!

Most of these can be found on Amazon.com.

Does he want a wife or a STEPFORD wife?

2009-09-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

Forgive the negativity, it's been a rough day. A day that has me wondering . . . Do Aspie males want a wife, or do they want a STEPFORD wife?

Seems that any (okay, maybe any extreme) show of emotion-- be it happiness, sadness, or whatever, is met with criticism. Would he rather his wife be a robot, agreeing with him in all areas, smiling and head-bobbing at everything life throws her way?

Does he not want a human, emotional, normal woman to be his spouse? One who can sometimes be ecstatic or depressed? One who wants, even needs, him to respond to her with at least an expression of understanding?

I'm throwing up my hands in utter confusion.

It's been a rough day.

Expressive Language Disorder

2009-09-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

Our daughter was diagnosed by the speech therapist with Expressive Language Disorder. From what I understand, Social Pragmatic Disorder is included in this, but ELD is more comprehensive in scope.

Her recent "homework" is to name three things/attributes about any given object. For example, I am to say "tell me three things about a cookie." This is harder for her than I would have imagined.

She also was given a short paragraph to read and then is told to choose between three options of what might have happened next, what is the likely reason the person did something, or what would the person like best . . . She was NOT able to get these correct!

Another page of homework has sentences describing a situation and she is to answer how she thinks each person would feel in the situation.

I would not have thought to work on any of these things without the direction of the speech therapist, so I am very glad we are pursuing this!

Brutally Honest (can be a good thing)

2009-09-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

Aspies are often characterized as brutally honest. Yes, there are times that this is downright painful. But it can also be a very good thing.

I love that I can trust my husband to tell me the truth (even about things I may not want to hear). I have never doubted his loyalty, integrity, or honesty. I know these characteristics are qualities of a godly, mature Christian. They are also commonly attributed to people with Asperger's.

Whatever the cause of such positive traits, I am deeply thankful for them!

In Sickness and In Health

2009-08-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

Another illness hit me recently, which meant another time of being painfully ignored by my aspie spouse.

My young son asked "Are you okay Mom? I hope you feel better! I love you!" and he gave me a hug.

My spouse acted perturbed that my illness messed up his plans for the day. He didn't once ask how I was feeling or if he could bring me anything.

As I was crying and praying and reading the Bible, I thought of the solemn vows I took before God to love this man for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I have always thought "of course I'll love him when he's sick . . . I'll take care of him!"

I had never before thought how hard it may be to love him when I am sick! But I vowed to do just that.

Man, is it ever hard.

Our church teaches that the Bible allows for divorce in the cases of adultery and abandonment (and of course, physical abuse). But I do not believe being ignored when I am ill is Biblical grounds for divorce.

So if I can't run away . . . I need to face the situation I am in, and face it as a Christian should. I believe God is sovereign, so He is in control and has ordained every situation I face for my good, that I may be sanctified/made more like Christ. (Romans 8:28) He put me in this asperger marriage, and has a plan for my good. I am called to be loving, to persevere in the faith, and yes, even to be thankful during the worst of times as well as the times that are better.

I frequently send up a quick but sincere plea . . . Lord, help me!

The Asperger's Movie, "Adam"

2009-08-24T07:15:00.001-07:00

A great movie for any adult who is familiar with Asperger's Syndrome is the newly released independent film, "Adam". The trailer may seem like a funny romance, but if you have Asperger's in the family, this will hit home and may hit hard.

As accurate a portrayal of AS as I have ever seen on film, parts were so disturbing that I cried. This is not a movie for children, but you may want to buy the DVD when it comes out to share with friends and family! Those more likely to watch a movie than read a book will come away with a more clear picture of life with Asperger's Syndrome.

Lack of Empathy/Empathic Response

2009-07-02T08:39:00.001-07:00

There are many strengths an aspie can bring to a marriage. And, honestly, more often than not all is well with us! But when illness strikes and say, for example, my spouse comes home to find me coughing, congested, and moving slowly due to aches and pains, I expect an empathic response. My toddler hears me cough and says "You okay, Mommy? You okay?" But my aspie spouse may not even think to ask "How are you feeling?" once throughout my illness.

This can be extremely depressing and upsetting. I try to remember that it just doesn't come naturally for an aspie to have the typical empathic response. But when I am sick or weak and am not offered any help or emotional support I tend to be filled with grief, anger and self-pity at how lonely and uncared for I feel.

I don't know how to properly react during such times. I sometimes say "It hurts my feelings that you haven't asked how I'm feeling." He then feels guilty and/or criticized. I wonder if I should continue to do this. Will it one day 'stick' that a simple "how are you" could actually make me feel better?

Recently I heard a sermon on loving your enemies. The pastor said that sometimes our enemies are in our own families. (That seems a strong word to apply to a spouse, but sometimes lack of empathy, no matter what the cause, can honestly make you feel as if you are with an enemy rather than a friend!) The pastor said we are not to curse and be angry with our enemies but are rather to love and bless them. Interestingly enough, this was followed up with the pastor saying "The Bible requires empathic response. Be happy with those who are happy. Be sad with those who are sad." I almost fell out of the seat. :o) I can't change my spouse, but there is One who can and I need to pray about this!

But what am I to do during the hard times? As a Christian I know I must turn to the Lord to meet the needs that my spouse can never meet. Christ is the perfect friend, spouse, and comforter. He knows my pain and can heal it.

This "Hymn of a Hurting Heart" helps me to keep the right perspective.

I need Thee, How I need Thee.

Help me love and bless my aspies.

When no empathy is shown me

You will meet my every need.

Speech Therapy at Home

2009-06-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

Our speech therapist gives us "homework" or things to work on with our daughter at home in between sessions.

1. One thing she recommended is to play games and make sure to win a few. This will let us see how our daughter reacts. We are to teach her to say "congratulations! good game! or good job!" instead of her common reaction of pouting and wanting to quit. Learning to take turns is also important for kids with AS.

2. have the child practice role play of coming into a room and saying "Hi. My name is ________. What is your name?" And when someone says "Hi. How are you?" Instead of just answering "fine" we need to teach our child to respond with "and how are you?" and then to wait and listen to the response.

3. Encourage them to maintain eye contact with all conversations.

4. Practice carrying on a conversation and encouraging the child to stay focused on the topic we want to talk about without looking away or trying to change the subject.

Asperger's in the Family Tree

2009-06-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I must warn others not to make the mistake I made as a new-to-Asperger's parent. Don't let the in-laws think that you think this comes from their side of the family.

Yikes.

I tried to be careful. I tried to very sensitively ask if some of the symptoms I'm reading about are seen (by anyone else besides me) in members of the extended family. What I got was not "Wow. Yeah! That explains a lot of the struggle I've had over the years with so-and-so." There was no "So that's why no one in the family has ever been close!"

Nope.

The reaction was anger. There was no grasp of the value of understanding family members better. There was no embracing of the goal to communicate with others better through this knowledge. It was "No! They don't have Asperger's Syndrome! They just have a lack of communication with others. That's very hurtful that you would suggest that. You should just accept how they are without analyzing them."

So, once again I feel like like I am going insane. I feel like an alien for wanting to communicate better, for wanting to be close, for wanting understanding in relationships with my in-laws.

I guess it was helpful in one way. It makes me believe that even more members of the family than I had thought have at least a shadow of Asperger's. I will continue my quest to learn how to communicate effectively and well with adults who have AS as I am finding that I know more aspies than I realized!

Speech Therapy Evaluation

2009-06-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

We had one round of evaluations for speech therapy and they want us to go back for a second, more in-depth evaluation next week. Our insurance will not pay a penny toward speech therapy so we are not yet sure what this will cost us financially.

We still have not told our daughter about Asperger's and surprisingly she is not asking questions about all the doctor visits. Her younger brother is full of questions about why she is going places and what she is doing there, but she just goes along, seeming to enjoy it all!

Social Functioning Impairment

2009-05-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

One diagnostic criteria is "clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning." In clinical terms, the doctor told me that someone would have to be unable to keep employment or a family in order to legally classify as having Asperger's Syndrome. (I guess so the system of disability payments would not be abused?)

But Stanford (in "Aspergers and Long-Term Relationships") points out that this criteria may be evidenced in the impaired relationships with extended family. This may be seen in the aspie rarely reaching out to them, or having little desire to be "close" with siblings, parents, or other members of the family.

"Aspie Memory"

2009-05-16T06:48:00.000-07:00

In "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" Ashley Stanford says it's possible that a person with AS doesn't remember much from his past. This could be because there were many stressful situations and he has "shut out" those difficult memories. But it may just be that most of his "aspie memories" revolve around objects instead of people. He may forget about parties, holidays, and other occasions most NTs tend to remember.

Aspies and Relationships

2009-05-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

So far the best book I've read to help me relate to and understand adult aspies is "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford. I needed to see the practical examples she offers for some of the medical lingo to make sense.

The most difficult thing I have encountered in relationships with aspies is stated by both Attwood and Stanford:
"Aspies are less able to learn from their mistakes."
Liane Willey described it by saying "Trials and tribulations will not become lessons learned, they will simply be memories that stand on their own with little relationship to anything other than the day they occurred."

This characteristic of "Weak Central Coherence" explains why the same argument comes up over and over and over again. The aspie doesn't apply the answer to a particular problem that has been dealt with in the past to a similar but slightly different scenario. It's like a whole new scenario being experienced without being able to apply the solution learned in the past. Stanford acknowledges that this was a serious struggle in her life until she tried to see a bright side to it. She now tries to view each (same old) argument as a fresh opportunity to try to find a way of communicating that works best with her aspie spouse, and to find a solution that makes the most sense to both parties.

How to Communicate With an Aspie

2009-05-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

Tony Attwood's book "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome" has been the most helpful book about Asperger's that I have read. It is current (2007) and comprehensive in scope. In the chapter on Language, he gives tips for conversing well with an aspie.

1. Avoid figures of speech.
2. Have a brief pause between your statements if discussing emotional issues or talk slowly about such things.
3. Be very clear without relying on subtlety.
4. Allow the aspie time to think of a response without rushing them to answer.
5. Do not feel uncomfortable if there is lack of eye contact.
6. Make facial expressions clear and consistent with the topic.
7. Avoid sarcasm and teasing.
8. The aspie may need assurance that you understand what they are saying.
9. Understand that the aspie may not know how to respond to praise or compliments.
10. Do not be offended by the aspie's blunt honesty.

In "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" (the best book I've read on aspie relationships) Ashley Stanford lists some ways to effectively use "Aspie-speak":

1. Don't generalize.
2. Be direct, honest, and clear.
3. Go straight to the main point--eliminate meaningless words.
4. Don't go off on a tangent.
5. Don't assume anything!

She says "a few generalizations may send even a simple conversation into that netherworld of incomprehensibility."