tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post2354110701025164710..comments2023-04-27T00:25:58.489-07:00Comments on Aspie Wife, Aspie Mom: Holidays with Aspie In-Lawsaspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-63505441877311383842012-12-09T08:50:33.342-08:002012-12-09T08:50:33.342-08:00I love these comments. Thank you for sharing! &q...I love these comments. Thank you for sharing! "Long on particulars and short on judgment" is brilliant. And something I need to work so very hard at! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-27312266371443237672009-12-09T17:32:44.203-08:002009-12-09T17:32:44.203-08:00As an Aspie with Aspie relatives, I see this from ...As an Aspie with Aspie relatives, I see this from both sides. Oftentimes the way we do things is odd and we have been told this from the time we’re young. (It’s usually how we got the impression that “different” was bad.) As often as I have heard it, it never ceases to embarrass me (and I grew up with many siblings to thicken my skin). This is because we don't always learn things the way other people do and also because, although I have somewhat outgrown the dyspraxia, I still feel like the "bull in the china shop" around nice things. (My oldest Aspie daughter explained dyspraxia better than anyone I have ever met when, at age 4, she began to feel the unspoken displeasure of her dance teacher. She said to me, "it's not that I'm not trying, Mommy, it's just that my feet won't do what I tell them.") Also, for most of us there has never been any diagnosis, so we have often been made to feel like we are being deliberately careless when we break things, which causes ongoing shame and the desire to make oneself invisible (hence the deer-in-the-headlights-in-front-of-the-TV-pose). I often see other women in their kitchens moving with a kind of grace (an economy and ease of movement) that I know I will never have. When my second oldest NT daughter left home, she bought me some nice glasses, because she said that, now that we're not little kids anymore, we can use real glasses. But I don't have a dish washer and glasses never survive long in my kitchen. I thanked her for the glasses and I didn’t have the guts to tell her that the plastic glasses were as much for me as them. Whenever I am offering my help in the kitchen, I have to remind myself that I have experience enough now to be helpful, but I always begin with a prayer that I won't break anything. I have an older Aspie sister who would rather make every course of Thanksgiving dinner and clean it up herself than have anyone help her. We have talked about it, her and I. And I was like that too, at one time. I am more willing to risk failure and embarrassment since it became clear to me that my youngest Aspie daughter is sensitive in this way and needs to see me accepting my limitations bravely, even when other people are not understanding. Any of the Aspies with spouses will get slightly more social training, but even though it looks like we're not paying attention, our anxiety may be on full alert. After being married for thirty years, I am a pretty good cook, but when our church ladies’ auxiliary gets together to put on dinners, I often end up feeling like that shamed child again. I don't use this as an excuse to get out of doing anything now that I'm comfortable in my own kitchen, but I'd rather work alone, and I never buy good dishes. And if you are asking an Aspie to help, consider that the very simple thing that you do like breathing may not have been taught to them in a way they can understand and be prepared to offer instructions that are long on particulars and short on judgment.eaucoinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03572252291115673745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-3287993152122366932009-12-08T05:30:32.767-08:002009-12-08T05:30:32.767-08:00I wonder if next time, rather than just assuming t...I wonder if next time, rather than just assuming the role of servant, you might take on the role of mentor. I find in my dealings with my aspie-relatives, although they might not ever offer on their own, when I delegate duties, everyone participates. It's not that they don't want to...it's just that they don't realize it until it's offered.<br /><br />Note didn't say "I asked"... that opens up the opportunity for refusal and that WOULD make me feel like a dismissed servant.<br /><br />I learned a while ago if I just WAIT for someone to ask or offer, I'll be waiting a long time. Like you said, it doesn't mean they don't love me or have interest in me...it means I need to approach it in a different way.Babsnesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com